Life Unplugged

CNY BLUES

2012-01-23T10:31:00.001+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tork6WZWh-0

She's a pretty girl
She's always falling down
I think I just fell in love with her
But she will never remember, remember
And I can always find her
At the bottom of a plastic cup
Drowning in drunk's insanity
A sad & lonely girl
Quit crying your eyes out
Quit crying your eyes out
Baby, come on
As if there's something familiar about me
The past is only the future with the lights on
Quit crying your eyes out, baby
And she said;
"I think we're running out of alcohol
Tonight, I hate this fucking town
And all my best friends will be the death of me
but they will never remember, remember
So please take me far away
Before I melt into the ground
And all my words get used against me"
A sad & lonely girl
Quit crying your eyes out
Quit crying your eyes out
Baby, come on
As if there's something familiar about me
The past is only the future with the lights on
Quit crying your eyes out, baby
Quit crying your eyes out
Quit crying your eyes out
Baby, come on
As if there's something familiar about me
The past is only the future with the lights on
Quit crying your eyes out
as if there's something familiar about me
Quit crying your eyes out
The past is only the future with the lights on
Quit crying your eyes out, baby

There.

2012-01-23T09:38:00.001+08:00

There are all these things that I want to tell you about, but you don't want to listen.

So you shut me up and you shoot me down.

I feel like I've lost my voice sometimes. And when I do get it back, I feel guilty for using it. Because nobody wants to hear. Because I am being immature and… everything I go through is trivial.

So fine.

I'll ~~pretend to~~ stop caring. I don't want to bore you. I'll just keep to myself then. I'll let my thoughts and worries implode. I won't inconvenience you. because if you see it as an inconvenience, I don't want to go through with it.

You hate me. You just don't know because there is a fine line between love and hate and, half the time, the line is blurred.

I'm going to disappear now.

Goodbye.

*If this post sounded a little bit suicidal at the end there, it wasn't meant to be. See? It wasn't meant to be.

If it makes you feel sad.

2012-01-22T00:59:00.001+08:00

I think you have a right to feel the way you feel. I believe you have a right to your emotions. It's one of those things that you should have control of, even if you feel out of control, you know?

No one has the right to order you to not feel a certain way. They may ask, they may try to persuade or coerce, but ultimately, you decide on what you're feeling.

I'm not saying that it's the best option to wallow in your emotions, but if you feel like it, no one can stop you. Never underestimate a person's will or drive.

I don't know what I'm feeling now. I suppose it's a mixture. I'd like to feel better, but at the same time, I feel like just layan-ing this crappy feeling till I breakdown. Because the moments after the breakdown often see me at my most liberated.

And that's what I want to feel the most; liberation.

But I feel, no matter how many times, I break my self down and build myself back up, there will always be this residue of dissatisfaction. There will always be this weight that keeps me emotionally heavy and perpetually in turmoil.

It's funny, I often feel like I'm watching my life from the view of a master puppeteer. Like, I (the puppeteer) am in control of the chaos I (the puppet) go through. As if I create the uncontrollable and volatile emotions, not for myself, but for the story, for the outcome. for the journey.

For the puppet! Just so happens that puppet is me.

So. Can the tears and yelling and pounding and frustration just commence so I can get it over with? So that I can feel the worst before I feel a little better?

House.

2012-01-21T14:54:00.001+08:00

I crave conversation. I'm that kind of addict. I feel more at home, more at ease, I feel happier there than here for that one reason. There's communication. There's conversation. I feel less lonely there, than in my own home. so disjointed.

It may not last, but still. I feel… it's warmer there.

I guess I'm going back to cigarettes.

2012-01-15T07:13:00.001+08:00

I had my first stick in 4 months just about 5 minutes ago. I just need to be doing something. But it's 7am. There's not very much to do.

I need to be active. To get myself busy doing something. I can't sit here because then I'll start to think.

I'm trying to be very strong. I'm trying to make the hard decision and make it stick. Because I… I believe its for the best. We'll look back on this decision and we'll see it was. Now, it feels like shit, but a month from now, you'll be glad for it. You'll be happy. I can't give you happy.

… Ok. That paragraph is a perfect example of me trying desperately to be objective. The heart wants what it wants but I can't give in to its wants because I need to starve it. Then it'll learn that there are some things it will never get. And that it can't get so attached.

It's surprising. I have been able to keep myself together, mostly. But I know it's because there's a part of me that doesn't believe this is the end. Because of what I feel. And what you feel. Because unlike times before, this is happening because…

I don't know why this is happening. Maybe for the first time, it's really just because we're not compatible. Just like that divorce term. Irreconcilable differences?

During Parah rehearsal yesterday, Jo said something to the actors. It went something along the lines of -

The more you want to connect, quite paradoxically, the more mortified you are when you do have a fight.

And immediately, I thought of this situation we're in. Maybe this is what led to it.

Fuck, Belinda. Keep it together. You can. You mustn't cry. You've done way too much of that already. Be a big girl and stop crying.

Trait(or).

2012-01-08T10:03:00.002+08:00

Inadequate. Pointless. Self-centered. Selfish. Naïve. Stupid. Childish. Sensitive. Insensitive. Hard-headed. Rude. Useless. Good for nothing. Screw up. Disappointment. Bad. Hateful. Despicable. Malicious. Evil. Cruel. Inconsiderate. Mean. Horrible. Revolting. Disgusting. Indulgent. Bratty. Immature. Insufficient. Time waster. Mood changer. Destroyer. Let down.

There are days when all I feel like doing is turning in on myself. There are even more days where I wish, just somehow, someone will take mercy and terminate the system that keeps my brain running.

There are so many days when I wish I didn't make you unhappy but it seems that I have that effect on people. It would seem that all I am capable of is inciting anger frustration annoyance rage blind fury.

I am cancer to the people around me.

These days are just no good.

2012-01-07T01:23:00.001+08:00

I wonder if my writing style has improved.

But how do you improve a style? With refinement, of course.

Style is individual, so you should never force a change into how you write. At the same time though, there's always room for improvement; learn to enhance and strengthen and modulate your unique way of writing. It's not changing or renouncing your individuality if all it does is give more value to your words. It will help others appreciate the uniqueness.

I'd like to think I am creeping forwards and making progress, in this area and others, too.

Hmm. I realise that progress is very important to me. Progress and growth. I'm pretty sure it's a good thing; it keeps things fresh and it keeps me going.

And here's a haiku I thought up earlier today to wrap up the night.

I still want to love
But you refuse to back down
We're back to square one.

Goodnight.

All I Have.

2012-01-06T01:41:00.001+08:00

These words are all I have.

They are warm and simple.

But simple is not enough.

Simple can expose, but it cannot explain.

I need to find the words.

The words to explain.

The words to make you understand.

The words to... the words to...

The words that I do not have.

Because, to be fair,

not everything can be explained.

These words that I have now are all I can muster.

Because to me, they are sufficient.

Because to me, they are complete.

Because like these words,

my heart is warm and my request is simple.

Top 5 of 2011

2011-12-30T23:04:00.001+08:00

I'm sure more than just 5 awesome things happened to me this year, but of the top of my head, these are the highs (in no particular order).

1. Inksight – Malaysian Today – 15,000 copies nationwide.

2. Tattoo – In all our imperfections, we found ourselves.

3. Langkawi – Holiday – capscalsdodos.

4. T4YP – FSD + Singapore + Much Ado.

5. Falling in mutual weirdness with Aidan Salman.

Yeap, those seem like a good five. But… it doesn't feel right… Oh, I know why!

There isn't a specific event here, but I think my girls warrant a mention. The amount of trouble I would be in without them!

So.

6. (Still) Being best friends with Rathika, Fatima and Kate.

Because they really do mean that much to me.

Oh, also:

7. Having my first pukefest birthday… well, I don't think it's a high, but it was an experience nonetheless.

Oh, oh, oh and:

8. Picking the right vices. Dropping the ciggs and cutting off booze.

…

And since I'm on a roll and just two short of a Top 10 -

9. Stage Managing a show (for once) without Chris Ling holding my hand the whole way through. ACHIEVEMENT!

10. Performing/Surviving Short + Sweet.

So my Top 5 of 2011 is apparently a Top 10. Little victories and grand triumphs are important. Ultimately, these things shape who you are.

2011,

goodbye and thank you for the lessons and the memories.

There's this bridge.

2011-12-30T04:30:00.001+08:00

It's walking distance from my place.

It's frightfully close by.

Noise.

2011-12-29T14:03:00.001+08:00

So much noise in my head. It's the sound of words being suppressed. Of voices being muffled by some form of barrier. An immaterial barrier, of course.

It's all my fault.

I feel as if there's a tug of war taking place in my head. The negative is pulling and the positive is just short of the middle divider.

A Bit of Me.

2011-12-28T06:57:00.001+08:00

I used to dream of a white wedding. In the garden. Well, a garden, like the ones with tall hedges for privacy and topiaries all around. I'd be wearing an embroidered white wedding dress with a long train and a lacey veil.

I used to dream really big. But tonight I was thinking about it all and I realise all that isn't important. It's nice and pretty to think of but it's not necessary. Why an elaborate wedding? Who would I even invite to it?

Registration followed by a day with family and my closest friends… yes, that sounds lovely. And affordable.

The gimmicks never matter, Belinda. Happiness doesn't depend on a white wedding. Happiness depends on you.

I believe in the power I possess.

2011-11-10T14:25:00.001+08:00

I have been broken
But tonight I am reborn;
Something stirs within.

One Giant Leap for Me.

2011-11-09T08:25:00.000+08:00

Hey, birthday boy. I think I can safely say your mix tape list is prepared. Now all I need is to get the CD and voila!

So far so good, eh? Those speed bumps are things that will eventually fade. It's not a problem for you and I, it's just a thing. A thing which will eventually die off and leave us be.

Besides, I trust you.

LOL, Belinda, you don't sound like yourself. You've obviously been gotten pretty badly.

Oh and, you are the Oliver Woods and Ron Weasley of Quidditch.

GEDDIT, GEDDIT, GEDDIT?! HEEHEEEEEEE.

The Night of Sleeplessness.

2011-10-25T03:09:00.000+08:00

I have been lying in bed for the past 4 hours but sleep has not come to claim me.

In between trying to force myself asleep, I started contemplating the universe, my existence and everything else under the sun (as one usually does when one cannot sleep).

My mind drifted. And it came to a scary revelation:

I still think about it. Almost everyday, I think about it. It's been close to three years since I last cut and still I'm convinced that there is only one possible conclusion.

This feeling of worthlessness and impending failure in career, love and life has somehow made its home in my brain. For 3 years I have thought it to have left me, but all this time it's been here. I just haven't noticed it.

Or I have noticed it but thought nothing of it. I caught myself last week thinking of this dark stuff but I dismissed it because I thought, hey, everyone has felt like giving up at some point and I'm allowed to have a down day.

I didn't realise until just now that these thoughts come to me almost daily. I remember thinking of it yesterday, the day before as well.

Now everything is coming back. Everything. And I realise that nothing has changed.

Sometimes I feel the urge is so strong I want to just throw myself out the window. Or take a dangerous stroll at 3am in the morning. Find a way to make it seem like an accident so that people will mourn and not hate me for being a selfish coward. Because I know I am one, but that's not what I want to be remembered as.

Some days I curse myself for not having the guts to just go through with it and end it once and for all.

And thanks to tonight's wonderful discovery, I feel it all.

I thought I'd made progress. I thought I wasn't that girl anymore. I thought I could beat it.

In so many ways, tonight has shown me that I am so much like my mom, the person I probably detest the most. I am so much like her and it makes me sick.

All this could have been avoided if I'd just swallowed a few more pills back in 2007, if I hadn't told that guy about what I'd done and just gotten into a cab and waited somewhere for the pills to work their magic.

But I was a coward then just like I am a coward now. Too cowardly to wait for the future and too much of a coward to take matters into my own hands. That's how useless I am.

I feel like that kid again when her parents split up, Standing in the kitchen, ready to strike, but waiting for someone to come home and stop her.

Argggggh, all these noises and voices in my head. I'm nothing! Just let me be, Just let me be.

It seems inevitable. It might be tomorrow. It might be a year from now. It might even be when I am 70. But I just know it's the only way,

I love how irregularly I blog.

2011-09-06T18:23:00.001+08:00

2008 – 8 posts

2009 – 15 posts

2010 – 133 posts

2011 – 35 (thus far and excluding this one)

Currently at Old Town White Coffee, Jaya One with Ashraf.

SO HERE'S A VIRTUAL INTERNET SHOUT OUT TO HIM, whoots whoots!

oh wait I forgot. HE'S TOO COOL FOR THE INTERNET.

anywaaaaaays. My battery is dying and this post is just here for the sake of being a post.

Maybe next week when I'm not so tired (YEAH RIGHT) I'll post up something that's more substantial.

Till then, fuck you and you and you and most definitely, Ashraf.

That good/bad after taste.

2011-08-16T23:21:00.001+08:00

I've picked up smoking.

For the most part of my childhood and adolescence, I hated the smell of cigarettes (and I still do, off and on). I was even once so naïve as to say I would never pick up smoking, NEVER. But here I am, enjoying almost a pack a week.

I don't flaunt it out in public; I wouldn't call myself a social smoker. Most often, I have a cigarette at home, in secret. I rarely smoke with friends. Maybe one or two sticks when I'm out drinking, but I don't drink often so I guess you could say I'm pretty private about it.

I guess, it's because I'm probably somewhat ashamed. Silly? Quite.

Heh, remember about two years ago when you started smoking? Remember how I scolded you, made you feel bad about it, told you how stupid you were for smoking just to fit in and look cool? I wouldn't give you two seconds of peace until you promised to quit and eventually you did. And I was so happy… ugh, I wonder what you would say now. "Hypocrite."

This might sound kind of strange, but I find a kind of sick, twisted satisfaction in the fact that smoking is now the one vice we share (or shared, depending on whether you still smoke). It's kinda fucked up that I would even find such vague solace in the thought. I sound depraved.

I wonder if you would try to stop/discourage my smoking now, if we were still friends. Would you? Well. I guess I'll never know.

And it just hit me that I haven't vented about you here in a long time. Then again, it's a different story on Tumblr. I guess I just haven't used Blogger in a long time, it's not that I haven't thought about you recently.

Actually, the past two weeks or so have been insanely trying. I don't know why now of all times, but that's the way it is. I often wake up from long winded, weird ass 3D looking dreams of you and me and always, the dreams take place or begin at the same location; our old high school. You're in a pinafore, your hair tied in two short pig tails. Sometimes, the dreams are so real, I confuse them with memories. There are nights when I don't know what is real and what is not.

By the way, I texted you because I missed you. And I still do. Very, very much.

Oh gosh, I'm so pathetic. It's just one friendship right? Why the fuck should I even care this much? Bullshit. This is complete bullshit. People get torn up like these over breakups, divorces. So why am I reacting this way? Tons of childhood friendships never make it past college; deal with it.

Damn it, you were the most important person in my life for the past 8 years. And to be very brutally honest I don't know how I'm going to make it through the next 8. I could try to replace you, and I'm not going to lie and say that I haven't tried, but it's pointless. It's just… nothing seems the same. Nothing's as good as it was, way back when.

Please just tell me how I can make this right again.

Testing, 54321.

2011-07-12T21:49:00.001+08:00

as the title proposes…

Stephen Crane's In The Desert

2011-06-14T12:18:00.001+08:00

In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said, "Is it good, friend?"
"It is bitter – bitter", he answered,
"But I like it
Because it is bitter,
And because it is my heart."

Post-Langkawi Blues.

2011-06-09T17:58:00.001+08:00

Not even a week back in KL and already the weight and heartache of city life has set in.

Everything seemed better in Langkawi.

The sky was bluer. The sun was brighter. The air was fresher. The streets were cleaner. The people were happier.

And there was still the possibility of…something for you and I.

I want to go back. Or rather I want to run away from here. These KL blues make me want to be someone else entirely.

Even my dreams were better… the dream I woke up with today morning terrified me. You left.

Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back.

And recently I've been very touchy about sexuality. It hurts me that there's still so much hate. Doesn't matter if it's KL, Langkawi, USA; there's so much hate everywhere.

Everything to do with homophobia strikes a chord with me nowadays.

When will I be able to feel safe and secure with admitting that I like girls as well as guys? Sometimes, it makes me question if I'll ever be comfortable in my own skin.

Everything seems easier in a heterosexual world.

Mood: Disheartened.

Chase. Chase. Chase. Pit Stop. Chase.

2011-06-01T08:23:00.000+08:00

I'm waking up next to nothing after dreaming of you and me.

- Radio by Alkaline Trio

This isn't a romantic song. It's actually about revenge. But these lyrics specifically were carefully constructed to inflict nostalgia and woe… must be.

I guess it's time for a rest? I already had a brief time in the beginning of May to recuperate and sort my shit out. However, the manic-ness of the last two weeks or so have driven me slightly over the point of sanity.

Need this time to rewire my brain. It has to stop thinking about you every few minutes. It's a glitch that must be fixed because I can't afford to care so much about someone who shows all signs of being out of reach.

Perhaps the next time we meet, I'll be a composed young lady who isn't giddy and in love.

Eh, jap jap jap. Love? When did this come into the picture? Gone lah. Kantoi. How's that song from Hercules? ~~At least out loud,~~ I won't say I'm in love.

Even more reason for me to get away from all these stupid emotions and feeeeeelings. So gross and so beautiful and wonderful at the same time.

I swear, I can't win.

I'm no Charlie Sheen.

P/S: I will do my best to remedy and heal. You cause me more distress than joy anyway. I will be happy and I simply must be because anything else isn't worth my time.

Langkawi, you will be unforgettable.

Song montage 7,915,204 for heartache number 3.

2011-05-27T19:02:00.001+08:00

You stole my heart and then you kicked it aside. But do you really feel alive without me? Are you mine, not just when you wanna be, all the time? Watching us fading and watching it all fall apart. Driving in your car, I never, never want to go home. Maybe you’re gonna be the one that saves me. I might as well write the words right on my face that all I want is you. I can't explain why it's not enough 'cause I gave it all to you. Does he drive you wild or just mildly free? She took my heart; I think she took my soul. If everything could ever feel this real forever, if anything could ever be this good again. I’ll wait for you but I can’t wait forever. I know we can make it if we take it slow. I cannot stop thinking about you, I cannot stop wondering if you are constantly thinking about me. What do I gotta do to keep you from doing this to me? You get used to the pain. Love you so much, it makes me sick. I don't know why I fight for you this way. You know what I wanted, I gave what I gave. Would I be out of line if I said I miss you? Aku pergi tapi aku kembali. All I ever wanted, all I ever needed is here in my arms. I wished I was special; you're so very special. You are everything I want ‘cause you are everything I’m not.

We've got to make a decision because this isn't healthy.

An excuse of sorts.

2011-05-25T13:24:00.001+08:00

I've vowed so many times to keep this blog going, but the lack of wi-fi at home has become a real pain. It's about 3 months now and it's played a huge part in my cyber absence.

Yes, there are tons of spots around college with wi-fi and all, but because I rarely have spare time, when I do get online, I spend it updating all the necessary portals first; I reply emails, I get back to all my adoring fans on Facebook, reply all the belated tweets and of course, queue up my Tumblr.

…okay, so maybe I have begun to prioritize Tumblr over this blog, but I promise, it is only because I don't want to spend my scarce internet time thinking of what to share and what to hide on this blog.

I miss blogging here tons, but… I've got my little white book of secrets now which has sated the blogging itch. I think that book is almost have full and it's been less than two months since I began writing in it. I'll probably need to get another one soon.

"Then I guess we should just be friends" "I'm just kidding Holly, you know that I'll love you till the end"

Those are lyrics from one of my most recent drugs – "Well It's True That We Love One Another", The White Stripes.

NOT THAT I'VE FOUND ANYONE I'D LOVE TILL THE END! well… maybe Capri and the girls. ~~definitely not myself.~~ but we will not digress; I have to explain my heartache for her. it's been awhile and I am still hooked.

oh c'mon; you must have guessed I would rant a bit about ze non-existent love life at some point right.

Here's an excerpt from my would-be journal that explains how I've been holding up (not).

"…I've gotten used to the idea of being expendable. And I accept now that nothing lasts forever and since that's the case, nothing is usually worth the heartache. Oh I sound like a sad fat girl who will miss out on life…well, I am… I've become a hateful thing."

That's the horrible mindset that's plagued me. It really sucks balls. It was a significant low point in the course of things that were to happen and I guess you could say I was on the brink of giving up because I felt like a weakling. I felt… unnecessary. ~~and pretty fucking unloved.~~

The thing here is that I still miss her as much as I did a month ago. And that's not good because she got along pretty darn well in my absence. And shit that fucking hard to admit.

Am I friggin' delirious? I don't know but I'm afraid that we might just be friends… which we are now, but I don't want that…I think. ~~I mean, I want to be friends but more, just not yet.~~

Ok fuck the romantic shit; I want to have a shot. Yes, that's it. I want to have a chance to see if this can go anywhere. And I don't think two weeks is a fair duration. Not at all. I don't want to give up on this possibility, if there's even one.

I mean I tried for a bit to stop the madness and the want, but the minute there was even a glimmer of hope, I fell back into the insanity that seems to envelope her.

~~Oh shit I can't believe I'm writing about this here. fuckfuckfuck.~~

After being apart for a pretty long time, we recently spoke again. And that day was pretty darn great and I was wrapped around her finger again. Just like that. But damn, I know that I will remember that day for a really long time, because it was the stuff great scripts are made of.

I wrote something on Tumblr which was more detailed and I can't post it here because I'm afraid I might be found out. (yes, that's another reason I rant on tumblr a lot, because not a lot of people I know have me on there ~~and I couldn't give two fucks if a stranger thought I was a pathetic piece of shit~~).

As I said earlier, I miss her and I think I'm beginning to accept(?) that I'm a bit past just crushing and probably that is what scares me the most. It's been awhile since the reality of what can ~~and can't happen~~ has been so in my face.

I'm scared and that's the truth and she knows because my façade just doesn't work with her. Since the first week, she could always read me.

~~And that makes me question why nothing has happened between us yet.~~

~~oh shit I'm striking out a lot of things; it's like all my secrets are tumbling out.~~

~~and notice how all the strike outs only begin when I start talking about her?~~

Fuck.

I wish I knew what I should do, like, some kind of meter which could tell me if my actions are doing me any good at all because, lately, it's been hard to trust myself.

Especially around her.

These things take time, love.

2011-03-28T16:36:00.001+08:00

This blogger is very upset with herself. I should be fine and dandy by now. Unfortunately, that's not the case.

See, it's easy to decide you're going to be happier; it's a whole other thing to actually put it into practice. I made the decision to be happier last year when I performed in Singapore. I had this brilliant (and simple) epiphany while I was there; I needed to do more things that made me happy. Sadly, I think for the past few months I've been doing the exact opposite.

Theater was always this outlet of great escape for me. It was reassuring knowing I could transform myself (convincingly I hope) into whatever character I needed to portray. I think that's what I loved about acting the most; the feeling of control and that most times I could completely become another person.

Of course, that view has changed a bit since then. I've learned to really appreciate writing and the work that goes into creating an amazing and truthful performance. Even so, I still find a lot of comfort and "Zen" when I manage to pull off the right intentions.

I haven't performed in a proper stage production since MukaBuku. It's been almost six months. The interactive theater bit that I was involved in earlier this year (while I enjoyed it) just wasn't enough I guess. I miss performing. The bump-in period, the rush to get lines down, the horrible/hilarious fuck ups. So I ask myself; if acting brings me so much joy, why have I stopped?

It's been puzzling me for such a long time. I just… I really don't understand it. Every time I try to solve this mystery, I feel my chest grow really uneasy. I'm completely at a loss.

And I feel to some extent, my lack of involvement in performing arts has led me to the rut I'm in. I had something to lift me up last time when the world got in the way of my peace of mind. Now, I've lost that security and confidence and I feel very vulnerable.

I've grown a lot as a person and I know I'm still struggling with a lot of things. I understand and accept that I've got a lot of issues to address and sort out and come to terms with. I guess it takes time.

But I really would like to believe that I am on the road to recovery, even if it's just a tentative step in that direction. I'd like to believe I haven't yet done all I can do to help myself and there's still a chance that one day I'll find resolve. Like boom, one day I'll wake up and I'll be where I want to be.

I hope these aren't just empty words but one day, ~~I hope~~ I will be happy.

The High before the Crash.

2011-03-23T14:44:00.001+08:00

8 years.

FUCK YOU. 8 years. I tried to be the best I could be to you. And now you're gonna just stop? No explanation, no calls, no texts, no nothing.

I'm damn tired of it. I've been feeling like crap this past two months, trying to salvage the friendship we had. But I am so done putting myself out there for you.

FUCK YOU. I found it in me to abandon my ego and you just sit there on your ass like you're fucking royalty and just brush me aside. What gives you the right to do that? You don't even have the balls to own up to it. You run and run and run. You can't look me in the eye.

I guess now I know what I ever meant to you. You were ready to let me fall at any given time. BECAUSE ALL YOU EVER REALLY GAVE A FUCK ABOUT WAS YOURSELF. To some extent, I can understand that; you need to put yourself first. But I never got in the way of that. So just tell me why you're just trampling all over me?

You know. This post was supposed to be about how great my birthday was, it was supposed to be about the girl I like, it was going to be about how awesome the past few days have been.

Well, thanks for bringing me back to reality. If I can spend 8 years trying to please someone and still somehow not be enough, I guess there's no point even hoping I'll ever mean anything to anyone.

Yeah, I'm letting you know the wreck you're leaving behind. But honest to God, I'm so sick of investing myself in relationships. Fuck it.

Thanks for teaching me a lesson I'll keep forever; the only person who can ever truly love you is yourself.

I'm not letting anyone in.

Wanker

2011-03-20T14:01:00.001+08:00

Gonna wank off about my feeeeelings and gratitude now.

I have some of the bestest most awesome friends. I may not be Miss Popular or whatever, but I'd choose quality or quantity any day. And my friends are like fine fucking top notch Persian rugs.

Some of the texts I've been getting have reminded me of the awesome support system I have. I like that though we drift apart now and then, they'll always be there, as I'll always be for them.

These people are pretty good reason to continue pushing forward and enduring all the curveballs.

I feel very very loved.

It's my Birthday!

2011-03-20T12:19:00.001+08:00

Yeaaaah. I'm spending my birthday at Old Town White Coffee Jalan Ipoh. FUN? INDEED.

My family threw a little dinner party for me last night. It was a small event; the usual suspects were there and we spent most of the nights reminiscing. Of course, tons of my blunders and epic fail moments came about, but it was nice to remind ourselves of how silly we were as kids (not that I'm not still a kid anyway).

After, me, Nicky, Bernice and Denice went out for drinks at Brussels in JayaOne. Stayed out till after midnight and went straight home after 'cause I was completely drained. My cousins weren't really drinkers so we cut the night pretty short.

At midnight, quite a few people texted and called me to wish me happy birthday. But because I was so exhausted and kinda out of it, I didn't reply most of the texts. And when I woke up today, there were 5 missed calls on my phone and like 11 texts. I slept through all of the ringing :3

So. Today is laid back. A nice laid back birthday. I might be going out with someone later, but the fella still sleeping lah. hahahaha And later tonight, I'm gatecrashing a party. Late night board games, here I come!

Yes, so it may look now that my birthday is gonna be pretty boring. But my girls helped plan me a party for tomorrow night :D (Srsly, you guys, I love you both for organizing the whole thing, really)

I'll update more on that after it actually happens. But I'm really looking forward to tomorrow :)

Unrequited Love.

2011-03-17T11:22:00.000+08:00

"Everything that belonged to her husband made her weep again: his tasseled slippers, his pajamas under the pillow, the space of his absence in the dressing table mirror, his own odor on her skin."

Love in the Time of Cholera,
Gabriel Garcia Marquez

This book is poetry. So beautiful. It was pretty damn draining to read (for me) because the language was twisted so beautifully. I've got about another 30 pages to read but I just had to post up that quote. That was the line which captivated me most.

It's a love story that spans 51 years so no shit it's a lot to digest. The first half of the book for me was golden. The next 50 pages after that were a bit draggy, but this book just somehow manages to pull you back in. There's this really beautiful flow to it, how he transitions from one point to another. I'm hoping to his other famous book, One Hundred Years of Solitude :)

Yes, it's a story on unrequited love but it's just genius.

Laser Tag.

2011-03-16T09:49:00.000+08:00

I went for my first ever laser tag experience with Dodo, Capri and Nikki (Caps sistaaaaaaah). At first I was all psyched, even though I only found out we were going to play laser tag on the way to mid valley, and because a certain somebody(whose name rhymes with CAREFREE) forgot to let me know the day before, I went laser tagging in a skirt.

Even better, out of the group of around 30 who were going to play in our mission, only me and Nikki were girls… and on top of that we were the only two people who hadn't ever played before.

Anyway, as I mentioned, I was psyched at first. But the minute we got into the space, I knew I wasn't going to enjoy myself the way I thought I would. I sucked balls. I think I almost tripped like 5 times (but at least I didn't run into any pillars and bump myself on the forehead).

But yeah, we were playing with kids who were younger than us (probably no older than 15 most of 'em) and they were SO into it, it creeped me out. hahahaha omg, I sound like a friggin' pussy but well...

I've always been kiasu but those kids there were on another level. Needless to say, I got hit like every 15 seconds or whatever. I guess lots of people would love that rush of playing a commando; getting to run for cover, doing ninja rolls across the floor, sneaking up on enemies and when I think about it, I guess I would too. But when push came to shove, I guess I wasn't much into it. Maybe because it was my first time and I still felt out of sorts.

Capri mentioned it probably wasn't so fun since we were playing with strangers; I guess if it was a big ass group of friends, it'd be a different story.

Either way, I don't think I'll be super-stoked the next time anyone mentions laser tag. I enjoyed the experience I guess, but maybe I'll save my RM25 for .shoes or drinks or something.

Fluffy-fying.

2011-03-15T10:18:00.000+08:00

I'm so horrible at watching TV. I mean, I know I'm a lazy fart and TV is often the lazy fart's most prized possession but really; I'm in a state of restlessness. With the internet at home be disabled till next week, I find myself struggling to entertain myself.

Since TV can't satisfy me (EHEM), I've made it a point to finish reading "Love in the Time of Cholera" by Gabriel Garcia Marquez by next week. However, because it's been almost a month since I spent more than 2 hours on a good book, I find my attention swaying so much.

I feel like I have to be actively doing something. Ok not actively, maybe physically? Reading is basically me lying in bed with a book in my hand and the only time I move is when I flip the pages. For that reason, reading just can't hold my attention too long. I have no clue when this little tick started happening to me. Two years ago, I was happy to stay in bed all day on a weekend reading whatever book I could find.

Yes, I know, bumming yourself around the laptop isn't active either. But I have to say, I enjoy typing; I'm DOING something. And when I blog, I actually do give thought to what it is I'm putting out. Well, Most of it is just brain food but it's an active thing. And I don't just blog here, but also only tumblr (and other than pretty photos, I do have some personal posts in there because I know my tumblr is relatively unknown to people I know in real life).

Also, I think when I'm online, I'm usually buzzed. 'Cause more often than not, I'm waiting for a specific someone to come online or to start talking to me. And because I don't have the balls to text said person everyday, I worry for said person on and off throughout the course of my boring day. I'm Pisces and I'm a daydreamer by nature, so my daydreams are often pretty exciting (and fluffy-fying).

Heh. Fluffy-fying. I like that word. I think shall call this post, Fluffy-fying.

Rina and Yosuke

2011-03-14T16:49:00.001+08:00

3 years ago my dad brought in two Japanese backpackers to live with us for awhile. One was Rina, who if I'm not mistaken, had just finished secondary education in Japan and was around Asia before going back to her hometown of Osaka. The other was Yosuke, this dude who was a mad ass percussionist; he too backpacked all around Asia, with only his drums to get him any income.

I remember when I first met both of them, I felt really awkward. Neither of 'em spoke very good English and they were literally strangers picked out of the street. How and why? The day that my dad met both of them, he was around the Puduraya bus station during one of his events. My dad was almost hit by a bus that day and he was lucky because someone yanked him back just in time. I guess my dad saw it as a sign and karma works both ways, so I guess he decided it was his turn to do something good for someone else.

He bumped into Yosuke and Rina as they fumbled with a map, trying to get directions (or something like that). Both of them too had met perchance; they just happened to meet each other at Puduraya that day. My dad spoke with them and offered to take them in for however long they wanted.

Rina stayed for about two weeks and Yosuke almost two months. I remember crying quite a bit when they left; they were pretty awesome people.

I know you're probably tired of hearing PRAY FOR JAPAN. To be honest, I am too, especially when people just use the phrase again and again to feel good about themselves.

It's terrible, what's happening there. I just wished I knew if Rina and Yosuke are okay. We couldn't keep in contact once they left Malaysia because for some reason their email addresses didn't work.

I'm just praying (yes, praying) that somehow, they weren't in Japan at the time. They're backpackers right? Maybe they're safe.

But yeah. I really hope their okay. And it makes me really sad that there's no way to even know :(

Instant Delirium

2011-03-14T10:23:00.000+08:00

I love spending time with you.

Oh God, I make myself sick. Having such ridiculous feelings for someone whom I barely know.

Why does my heart do this to me?

I really can imagine, you know, a fantasy wedding; even if marriage isn't an option here. (LET ME STRESS ON THE WORD FANTASY, JUST IN CASE ANYONE THINKS I'M BEING CREEPY. I'M ALLOWED TO FANTASIZE AND DAYDREAM ALL I WANT.)

It'd be scary at first because it'd be me confirming my sexuality and the way I live and who I am and what I want and how people view me and I will be anything but heterosexual.

I mean, I'm not heterosexual now anyway, but since I've never had anything serious with a girl, it still 'might' (though it's highly unlikely) be a phase???????!?!?!?!?!?

But I think you're worth it. Love is worth it. I promise not to throw away something like what you and I could have.

I can't wait to go out with you on our next date :)

And in all our imperfections, we found ourselves.

I'm talking about you.

2011-03-13T13:01:00.001+08:00

But I'll stop. Because evidently, this won't work.

Talking about this really hurts. Why do I put myself through this? I should just cease. Just stop trying.

Always the friend.

I'm guessing I'll be venting a lot today.

2011-03-13T10:58:00.001+08:00

You long for sleep because that's when the thoughts cease. You bury yourself in your bed sheets hoping sleep will whisk you away into the quiet.

It's sad when sleep feels like the only place you're safe. Your brain is the main cause of your delirium and powering it down is the only way to feel in control again.

I'd love to just not think, not be for awhile. Maybe I should just spend my life sleeping away. I hate what my thoughts do to me.

What's the point of doing anything if you know you're going to sink back to your old habits anyway?

I'm sick.

Friggin' unbelievable.

2011-03-13T10:44:00.001+08:00

I'm at Old Town Jalan Ipoh and I'm bawling my eyes out. fantastic. Fucking fucking fantastic.

I wanna runaway from myself, anyone know how to do that?

How fluffy can you get, Belinda?

2011-03-12T10:08:00.000+08:00

My mind has been refusing to work. I tried to get some revision done for my exam on Monday, but it's just not happening. I think the past week was such a big deal, so my brain is still digesting all the signs and what not. Trying to unravel the mystery that is…

I'm pretty happy now but I'm so afraid that this happiness will be short lived. I hope not 'cause I actually believe my luck might be turning around. And I'd hate to think you were only paying me attention for the hell of it.

This one kid makes me smile like a little girl on Christmas day. I feel like I'm being treated with so much tender care; it's as if to this person, I'm actually worth saving. It's great because not many people have made me feel this way before. So gentle. This kid sees me and it brings on this incredible rush, like WHOOOOOSH! X)

…

Bloody hell, ground yourself already! >.<

The Last 5 Years.

2011-03-11T10:55:00.001+08:00

I loved it. Okay. Maybe, I liked it very much. That sounds better.

The music for me was the star of the show. Amazingly beautiful accompaniment and the songs were pretty awesome. Tabitha Kong can sing, there's no question about it and she blew me away with the power in her voice.

And Jon Chew was just adorable. hahahah.

If you're intending to watch, look out for Jon's piece "The Schmuel Song". Yes, it's a weird name, but I have to say, that song was the highlight of the show for me. The visuals were SO AWESOME and Jon looked so at ease singing it. Plus, he danced. AND THAT WAS SUCH A SIGHT :P

The audio recording from a past production of The Last 5 Years.

So yes. Go watch. Or die.

*I had 4 hours of sleep. Don't blame me for not making much sense please, thanks.

Last night was golden.

2011-03-11T10:33:00.001+08:00

I was smiling all night like a retard. You have that affect on me.

I'm glad we spent all that time together. Really.

Maybe there'll be more? Dates? Like last night?

Ah. I shouldn't give this too much thought.

But I can't. 'Cause you're stamped across my brain.

:) Chinaman.

I was not paid to promote.

2011-03-09T18:28:00.001+08:00

"The Next Ten Minutes" from the original Off-Broadway production.

The Last 5 Years starts it's run tomorrow. OMG SO EXCITES. And that's saying a lot, since I'm not really a huge fan of musicals. But yeah, I've already made plans to watch the show tomorrow :)

Capri sent me the link to that video up there and at first I didn't want to watch it, because I didn't want a spoiler. But I have no will power, so yeah; I caved in and gave it a listen and now I really can't wait to watch this song performed live. Major goosebumps D:

Oh also, I've gotta pick out some English books. I'd better do that now.

No, actually, I'm going to EAT now. Then I'll pick out those books. Hmmm.

I've been found out.

2011-03-08T22:30:00.001+08:00

I really scared me when you pointed out the chink in my armor. I was surprised. I mean, my façade works most of the time; I'M A HAPPY LITTLE GIRL SCOUT.

How could anyone see past that so soon? fuck. I mean. I don't want everyone to know I'm just covering up some deep rooted kind of "sickness".

Radiohead's Creep done acoustic.

This song embodies a lot of what I've been feeling today. And actually, since forever.

I really don't think I'm strong enough for anything.

I feel very unloved.

I'm not okay, but I'll be alright?

2011-03-08T17:28:00.001+08:00

I don't want you think of her every time you think of me. I don't like this similarity we seem to have 'cause now I believe I'll always be compared. I hate it.

I know we're new (so new) but I like you. Really. It's kinda saddening for me to imagine this little thing might remain a one sided affair for the rest of what's left of it.

It's days like these when I wish I was pretty, I wish I knew the right things to say, I wish I had natural charm and grace and I wish I knew how to make you mine.

Ultimately, I wish I was someone other than me.

'Cause quite apparently, you don't think of me the way I think of you; I think you're pretty fucking perfect and I think ANY girl would be lucky to have you. It's equaled to winning the fucking lottery or getting pair aces twenty times in a row during black jack. I'd be so ridiculously insane. Well, I am already. Is that creepy?

I hate that the Disney movies I watched as a kid have set this standard of romance for me. I feel like I have to get the person I want. I'll succeed pretty fine on my own, but I still believe there's something missing without romance or affection. Is that pathetic? I think it is; I think I am.

Why can't I just win? or why can't I just fall for someone less perfect? Why can't I just fall for someone who's available, who wants to love me back?

Good things happen to good people… oh, really?

2011-03-07T20:38:00.001+08:00

We set up the college gallery for our exhibition tomorrow. Wasn't too sure how that was gonna go down, but I guess it's not too bad. At first, I felt our booth was the worst; we had a very vague idea what we wanted to present our photos like.

But after some tips and hints by a few people, I guess it turned out ok. it looks kinda artsy at least and since my theme is "ART" it works.

It was tiring though. I felt we weren't working as a group, to be honest. Haihs. Maybe next time I'll learn to include people in the work load more? Then again, I wasn't supposed to be group leader, but as no one stepped up to the plate, I was almost thrown into the position (just my opinion).

Most of the other groups look good, but I think there's one or two that could've done better. Well, all of us could. Ah well. We'll just have to wait for tomorrow to know if we did okay.

Oh in other news, I'll be watching The Last 5 Years this Thursday. SO EXCITES. After seeing a bit of their photoshoots, I'm expecting awesome things. I can't wait for Thursday :)

The "Demons".

2011-03-06T18:22:00.001+08:00

Found that on Tumblr and… whoa. Laughed sooooooooooo hard. And it only hit me earlier today that I reblog so many posts pertaining homosexuality. A lot of 'em are ridiculing the stereotypes. They kinda snap at homophobes and what not.

Also found this one:

Above it were the words "If any country wants to beat the US in a war, just send out all your gays. It's like kryptonite." LOL-ed sooooooo hard. Well, we know Malaysia and US have at least one similar weakness then :p

Help is good, but you're not helping.

2011-03-06T14:53:00.001+08:00

Ok. I understand that you think that note you posted up is probably going to give hope , though I don’t really see what you can achieve through it. It’s noble and I commend you for that. But as someone who has personally been dealing with this for the past few years, reading your post only got me down.

You're talking about pushing those thoughts to a side and believing in life and the people around you. But you have to realize, most of us do enjoy life, here and there. We’ve got friends like any other person in the world, we’ve got a loving family, we get good grades and we don’t think about suicide 24/7. The times when the idea of suicide is absent are the best times for me personally.

So, when I go online, I’m not expecting to be reminded of the strength many of you possess. It’s not like I’m all “Oh I wanna die now”, but I’m just saying that reading your note didn’t do any good for me. ‘Cause you have to realize I’ve heard that same speech in a variety of angles from a million different people before. You're not the first to try that "Life is beautiful, you're making a mistake" point of view. I hear it all the time; it's becoming a senseless platitude.

All I’m trying to say is it’s not easy for someone who’s been suffering for quite awhile, to just get over it. If there was a foolproof method to steadily cure ourselves, we’d opt for that. We want to be healed. Not all of us are masochists. We try optimism and realism and often neither work.

I’m not hating, I just want you to be aware of what you’re sparking up by writing a preachy note like that. If you really want to help, get people to go into therapy or just get them to talk it out. It’s better for them to voice out what they feel rather than having to put up with a long speech about what they can and cannot feel. I would know; I've been there, done that.

So please. Just stop being so full of shit.

It's late and my brain is pumping.

2011-03-05T00:35:00.001+08:00

I would like nothing more than to just be whisked away from here. I think quite a few know this. Maybe. Either that or they just put up with what I say, thinking I never mean it.

I actually really do. It's been over three years and this thing I have is probably the only constant. I'm pretty sure it's become a permanent part of me. I've kind of accepted it, but there are moments when I believe someone will suddenly pop up and save me.

Hmm. I was born 'weak'- as in, I crumble pretty easily. Many things scare me and my loud exterior is just there to fake being brave. When things scare me, I seek the easiest and most cowardly way out. I pretend to be ashamed of it, but actually I wouldn't change. Best to get out of there before something gets me.

I've faced some fears but I honestly believe these minor triumphs won't sway the grand scheme of things.

I already know.

For all whose heart is aching.

2011-03-04T13:00:00.001+08:00

Maroon 5. Their music seems to be super awesome live. Omg. I wants. PLEASE :(

Every time I think of the word "ache", my stomach is filled with this notion of impending doom. Just for awhile. It's even stronger when you verbally pronounce it. Ache. Ache. It's a pretty painful word to say.

I realise, when it comes to loss, there's two types of aches; the immediate and the culminated.

Immediate ache is essentially you lose something and you plummet into this total abyssssss of despair. But after a really long time, you kind of find your way out it and you're ok again.

The culminated ache just sucks. Srsly. It does. It really rips you apart, or maybe just me. It's when you lose something and at first you're all gung-ho and shit. and you're like, naaaaaaaah, I'll be fine, it didn't mean anything. Then you go about thinking you're ok and after awhile it just eats away at you and BOOM; you hit rock bottom and everything just stops to matter. Yeah. The intensity there, sucks. Really.

Hmm.

Someone whom I've most recently became friends (?) with is going through some shit now apparently. Tbh, her situation reminded me of this song. It was my anthem when I was going through something similar.

If I could wish for one thing, it'd be for everyone to be happy. I know that's not ever going to happen, but mindless dreaming is worth something, I think. It kind of gives you an extra push to just slave through the rest of the day, because you believe that something tremendous will happen in the end and save us all.

Often, it's kind of like chasing the sunset. You'll never get to the sun, but you think you will, and so you just continue chasing. At least you're doing something other than moping about what you'll never have.

Yes. Mindless dreaming sometimes has its benefits and if they come true, all the better.

Well. This is awkward.

2011-03-03T16:48:00.001+08:00

Some time towards the end of January, I blocked off this blog and stopped posting.

I did that because I realised I was censoring myself and blogging for the readers, rather than myself. And that's not why I made this blog, so I decided to take a break to think about what I wanted. So yays me, welcome back.

It's been a month and it's been eventful. Classes (being what they were this past semester) were pretty lenient but things apart from the lectures were a challenge. With the whole new dynamic in the classroom and the new personalities to gel with, I think it's safe to say it was awkward as hell during the first few weeks.

But I was happy and maybe I'll be happier?

Hmm. I've been staying pretty quiet on the theater front. I really don't know why. Maybe it's true; I've burnt out :( Guess I'll be quiet till May; I've got something up that month hopefully.

Oh and I've learnt that I fail at flirting. Seriously. I'm pathetic.

I'm going to get off the blog now and probably watch some Dexter. Season 5, here I come!

**For the few of you who are still reading, thanks for putting up with my mess :)

Confused.

2011-01-12T22:00:00.001+08:00

I’m pretty patient (or so I’d like to think). Ok, maybe not patient, but I can tolerate quite a bit. It’s the lapse of basic consideration for others which I just cannot and won’t stand for. That and fucktards.

I’ve been bitching about this stupid peeve the whole day to anyone who would (and wouldn’t) listen. And for that reason, I’ll not go into details here. Let’s just say I was so mad, my bitch face kinda just burst through and that kinda met my bitch-quota for the day.

ANYWAY. On to other things. I finally began college again. My God, I don’t think I could handle another one month long break. It drove me to the brink of insanity. But the break was good, mostly. I needed the time to get some things into perspective. It’s all better now.

Also, as I’m prepping this post now, I am munching on some Lindt chocolate. And I’m also thinking a lot about Valentine’s day. And I’m really confused because mix signals do that to a person.

I’m going back to Tumblr-ing. I don’t want to analyze things now.

PS: I wish you’d apologize.

Hop to it then.

2011-01-10T01:21:00.001+08:00

If you hate pining and whining, best to not read this post.

Ok. So I’ve been feeling like crap and worse. I’m quite tired of not knowing exactly what I’m aiming for, disappointed that some of my friendships have been falling apart and really annoyed at how tired I am of feeling lonely.

I can’t make up my mind ‘cause one minute I don’t give two fucks if I have to cut ties and the next I’m doing everything I can to mend things and get things back to normal. And and and I find that at first I’m interested and two seconds later I give you the cold shoulder. Fuck. I’m a mess. I gotta sort my shit out. It’s just the first friggin’ month of 2011 and already I feel like smashing in somebody’s head.

Ok and I’ll be really pissed if I have to spend fucking Valentine’s Day alone again. I don’t care if I have to spend it with a friend even, I'm just really tired of the loneliness. Call me desperate, pathetic or whatever, this is how I feel and I should at least be free to express it. I don’t have control of much, but I know this is one thing that no one can force me to change.

You know, I just miss having someone to care for and having someone who cares for me. You can say I have my friends who care, and yes they do, but you and I both know they’re just two different kinds of care.

Oh, gosh honestly. I’m tired of being alone and bitter and mad. Please let this all change. Just somehow change.

Tumbling and Tweeting.

2011-01-05T18:01:00.001+08:00

Okay, so I realise I’ve been a bit slow on updating the blog and all, and here’s the reason why: my life is kinda ‘meh’ now. Still on college break, so there’s not much to say. I’ve spent most of my time on Tumblr and Twitter and there’s really not much else to be said.

Oh, but the bestie and I are going to start baking on a fortnightly basis or something. We tried already a few times, and so far, we’ve done quite okay. I wanna make an apple pie next. nomnomnom. maybe I’ll bake one the day before college starts. nomnomnom. Then I can bring some pie to class! NOMNOMNOM.

Okay, I’m going back to ~~stalking~~ ~~trolling~~ tumbling now.

I HAVE SO MUCH OF A LIFE, LIKE OH MY GOD, I KNOW RIGHT?

Yeah, okay, tata!

Hello 2011, I think we’ll get along just fine.

2011-01-03T01:37:00.001+08:00

So, I didn’t exactly kick off 2011 in glamorous fashion but something is telling me it’s going to be a great year.

Tomorrow (or should I say today??) is going to be a great day. AND YOU KNOW WHYYYY? Because I’m seeing my girls at college :))))) I haven’t seen them in almost a month. Okay, 3 weeks if you’re fickle about it, but yeah; 3 WEEKS IS A REALLY LONG TIME!

Anyway, I can’t wait to see them. Really. It’s probably the highlight of my past two weeks or something. Honest. That, and also I’m super hyper now, so maybe everything else that happened before this just isn’t processing, you know.

I want to talk about my New Year’s resolution, but this is kinda ish ish ishhhh part of the little something I prepared for my girls. After I give them their “gifts”, I promiseeee to blog about it. Because I’m really excited about it. AND YOU KNOW WHYYYY? Because this resolution of mine involves me spending more time with my best friend in the whole wide world, Joyee :)))) Oh my God; my heart is really just overflowing with love today now isn’t it. Slut with a big heart, hmm Ratata?

Heh, I’m misty-eyed :) Ok, I’ve been semi-misty-eyed since I started writing this post actually. I love these people very much, despite the little things that sometimes ruffle our feathers.

Ah, my photobook files have just been successfully copied to the CD. That’s my cue to hit the hay. I can’t wait to wake up tomorrow! (And I rarely say that if it requires me getting up before noon, so you know this means something) :D

Night!

Urm. Yeah. Maybe this is going some place. And that’s very scary.

2010-12-27T22:46:00.001+08:00

See, though I’ve openly admitted that I’m over my most recent heartache kinda thing, I’ve been somewhat doubtful. As in, I never thought I’d be able to move on just yet. However, it seems that maybe I have?

Maybe it means I’ve fully accepted the fact that there isn’t any hope for the old flame. And this is great news, because I want to be free of that feeling. The feeling that I had to try so hard to make things progress to that next stage. So, bottomline, this is good.

Now, this new thing is just scaring me a little. I don’t want to rush into anything, yet at the same time, it feels very good to have someone who makes it quite known that there is at least a “like” factor between us. That’s really comforting, because it seems like it’s been awhile since that happened. Or maybe not, but for the past year, my brain was so preoccupied on that one person, that the others didn’t really matter so much. Maybe I brushed ‘em off. And maybe now I’m actually beginning to notice my other options.

Euw. I hate that I used “options” to describe people around me. I don’t mean it that way. I guess, I’m just realising that there are other people out there and just because I was let down this year, it doesn’t mean I’ll be forever alone.

This new thing is really scary for me. That probably explains why I try to not expect anything of you. I do, sometimes, but that’s because I’m a girl and it’s what girls do. As scared as I am, I need you to know it’s not really because of anything you’ve done. Like I mentioned earlier, you being here is comforting. I just don’t know if it’s time for me yet.

Let’s just wait and see?

2010 highs.

2010-12-24T12:57:00.001+08:00

This year has been a great year for me. Really. There’s nothing I can immediately think of that I regret doing. So now, I’m going to list down 10 awesome things that have happened to me this year X)

I participated in my first ever musical, Bernarda Alba, and met some amazing people there.
I got my SPM results which were not too bad AND I got an A- for Additional Math (which I usually flunk!)
I got a full scholarship to study Mass Comm at IACT.
I met my girls Kate, Rathika and Fatima. And that’s the first time I’ve actually been really close to a group of girls. And I love them :))
I kinda know who cares about me and which people I can count on in theater now. It’s good that I don’t really feel like an outsider anymore…well, maybe slightly, but I’m happy with this maybe in, maybe out kind of position.
I GOT TO PERFORM IN FRIGGIN’ SINGAPORE! Honestly, I think that’s one of the highlights of this year. My God, Singapore was just so important and life-changing for me. I was there to work, but the discoveries I made within myself while there really gave me this peace. Everything about it was a vote of confidence. Oh my God, I could talk about my experience there on and on.
I did Shake-your-own-speare which was an improv thing, and it was just, wow. I’m glad I worked with Jit, Ivan and Sharon.
Mukabuku got restaged at the Actor’s Studio! We performed to audiences that paid RM350 for us okaaaaay! Such an awesome feeling.
Even though many of my highs were from theater, this short two month self-imposed hiatus has actually been really good to me. Sure, I whine and wish I had lines to memorise and rehearsals to go to, but this break has given so much more time for everything else. I’m meeting up with people I have seen in AGES and spending more “me” time.
I’ve started believing in myself more than I ever have before.

YEAAAAAAAAAAH. The last one is just cheating, but it’s true; I have grown a lot this year. Oh, a good year with no regrets. I couldn’t ask for more :)

BREAAAK.

2010-12-18T17:09:00.001+08:00

I’m on college break till Jan 10th. I’m going to use this time to watch the Dexter series and read and chill and meet up with people I haven’t seen in ages. I don’t have the time or patience or mood to blog. I mean, hello, I don’t get college breaks often so I might as well use these few weeks to their fullest potential.

Laaaaaaaaaaah. Ok. I’m gonna start on Season 2 now. WHEEEEEE.

It’s a happy, happy holiday :)

December isn’t gonna cut me any slack whatsoever.

2010-12-14T18:30:00.001+08:00

The reaction I got when I told my younger brother to hand over the gaming controls because I was grumpy, stressed and needed to chill the fuck out before my PR exam tomorrow..

I wish my PR exam was the day after tomorrow. My brain is still flushing out all my Sociology notes and it just won’t let me get started on work. Today is just one of those day’s where you feel so sloth in a very bad way. I wish I could push myself into studying now, but it’s just not possible. I WANNA CURL UP IN BED AND SLEEP.

My exam is at 9am tomorrow. So, I’m hoping my mood picks up by then. I’ve got to at least study 5 chapters. omg, i really do feel so bloody useless and limp.

Gah. I want this week to be done and over with. FML.

Sociology makes my life so difficult.

2010-12-12T18:42:00.001+08:00

Sociology: Taboo (n) is a prohibition resulting from social or other conventions.

Me: Taboo is a game I play with my cousins when we’re bored of Monopoly.

SEE THE DIFFERENCE?

~~I’m sorry, but Sociology, you and I were never meant to be!~~

I hate that there are SO many definitions to memorise. I’m bad at getting things right, word for word. Can I just focus on the reasoning bits in the exam tomorrow? Memorization is so frustrating. I’m going to exploit my knack for words and try my best to convince the examiners that I know what I’m talking about… even if I do get all the definitions wrong. Blah.

I should be fine… right? Besides, it’s ONLY a fifty percent exam. I CAN DO THIS!

Okay. I should stop talking about succeeding and actually do something to get me to where I need to be. I’m going back to go back to reading up on Culture and the many theoretical analyses surrounding it. Oh God, I can’t wait for this sem to be done and over with. I swear, if I have to read up on theoretical analyses for my other course subjects next sem, I eez going to bust a cap in heeeere.

And with that, I leave you.

Oh and here’s a dinosaur to keep watch on my blog while I’m away.

TATAAAAAAAAA.

I’m a panicking panda ‘cause I don’t know any kung-fu.

2010-12-09T00:24:00.001+08:00

Yeah, I decided I wasn’t ready to go to sleep because my mind was still swimming with stuff to say.

I know I’m gonna do okay for Malaysian Studies tomorrow, but as always, I feel a slight tinge of uncertainty. But I’m not panicking, don’t let the title fool you. And I’m not a panda either in case you were wondering (though my eye bags make the panda part pretty convincing!) I’m just feeling very ‘meh’ right now and let me tell ya, it is not a good feeling to go to bed with.

But I digress:

Malaysian Studies, as much as I detest the way you’re taught, it now seems that you might be the only subject that I can ace this semester. So please be nice to me okay? ‘Cause I really need to up my GPA this time. kthxbai.

Here’s to hoping I’ll keep my cool tomorrow and not run out of the exam hall halfway through screaming bloody murder.

Yes, and I think my brain is emptied for now, so that will do.

G’night.

The last thing I queued on my Tumblr. Yes, I must share it before I doze off.

2010-12-08T23:55:00.001+08:00

I’m trying my best to change all this.

Sun, Sand and Salvation.

2010-12-06T17:20:00.001+08:00

Yes, that’s a list of things I am not getting at the moment.

ANYWAY, because of the emotional madness of the past few days, my short holiday before class on Wednesday and exams on Thursday has been an epic fail. I had initially planned to just relax with a good book and get started on some revision. Instead, I spent most of the day cursing at Tumblr and frying my brains on Divinity 2.

If Tumblr doesn’t let me in within the next hour, I’m going to file a complaint. I haven’t been allowed in the whole day and someone’s gonna get hit with my shoe if I have to see that “We’ll be back soon” screen one more time.

I want that proper holiday so bloody bad. One away from ze internet and life sucking computer games. I wanna destress. After my exams which will end next week, I’ll be FOH-ing for “Octopus” at KLPac. I’m hoping there’ll be nothing out of the ordinary during my brief stint there ‘cause I just don’t think I could handle it.

I also need to get started on my photobook. I need about 40 photos to be submitted by the 3rd of January. And then on the 10th, I start my third semester. ISN’T THAT JUST PERFECT?

Yeah. Okay. I’m going to continue sorting out my Sociology journal now. Bugger, I can’t be bothered anymore.

How things did in fact become worse than I thought they ever possibly could.

2010-12-05T21:44:00.001+08:00

I stayed over at Ratata’s house from Friday till today. Just got back about 3 hours ago or less. Celebrated the whole weekend. So I should be feeling great, but to be very fucking honest, I feel like a tone of bricks decided to rest themselves on my shoulders.

First of all, I still don’t know how to deal with this mom thing. I haven’t replied but I’m still debating with myself. It’s just been bothering me to no end. Through out the weekend, I found myself filling what little free time I had thinking about her, wondering if wherever she was, she was waiting for a reply. Or if she didn’t expect one and has gone on living her life as usual. I don’t know which is worse; the idea that I might keep her waiting for a reply that might never come or that she’s not even waiting for a reply.

And as if this little blast from the past isn’t enough to keep me mentally tortured, it was decided somehow that my history would creep up again. The boy who probably wrecked me the most (and who up till only recently stopped harassing me) turns out to be related to a friend of mine. Seriously, if this isn’t a reason to say FML, then I don’t know what is. I had thought I’d left that part of my past behind. Apparently, I’m to be reminded perpetually of the heartache I went through fighting for that boy.

Why can’t history just stay in its proper place?

Now, my head is just swimming with a million and one things. Memories which I have long tried to bury are resurfacing and I just don’t know how to deal with them. I want to just get away from all of it.

And right now I am d~~isgusted. repulsed. sick. furious. vulnerable. hurt. paranoid. broken. lost.~~ Hoping to forget. I just want to forget.

This is very personal and I pray that no one says “I’m sorry that happened to you”.

2010-12-03T10:27:00.001+08:00

After tossing around in bed and mentally debating with myself whether falling back asleep was a good idea, I decided to get online. For once, my internet wasn’t fucking up on me. I log into to Facebook and I see 7 notifications, 2 friends requests and 2 messages. As is my ritual, I click on the notifications first and go through each of them, commenting on a photo here, writing on a wall there. Basic procedure. And then I check my friend requests and I realise it’s two people I don’t think I’ve ever met in my life, so I just leave ‘em be.

Lastly, I click on the messages tab. There’s one message from Twilight Action Girl about something which I didn’t bother reading. And the second message was from my Uncle Suresh. See, I don’t have my uncle on my facebook. So I was curious and clicked on his message.

The first two words of this message fucked me up real bad.

“hello princess.”

My mom, whom I haven’t talked to since around three years ago, used to call me that. Of course, when I read this I was a bit confused. I wondered if it was my mom at first, but then I was like “naaaaah, it can’t be.” After all, the message came from my Uncle Suresh.

I read on and it says “m hoping its u n u can respond as m using my brothers facebook.its his bright idea,going undercover!”

Then it hits me that this really is the woman who disappeared from my home and now she’s getting in touch with me through facebook. I really don’t know how to feel about this. A part of me wants to reply but I just don’t know what to say. It’s comforting but awkward to imagine your mum at some computer somewhere logging on to Facebook to keep up to date with you.

I mean, this is your mum you’re talking about. Not an aunt or a far cousin but the lady who gave birth to you. After three years of not knowing where you were (or if you were even alive!) what do you expect me to say?

I’ve reread this message I think close to ten times now and every time I do, I just feel really heavy inside, if that makes any sense. It’s like there’s this internal war going on, debating what to do next.

I finally decide I need to stop rereading this message and just as I’m about to close the tab, I realise that the title/subject of the message was just plainly, “Sue”. That’s the short form of her name.

Saying the word ‘Mom’ or saying her name, both don’t sound right coming out from my mouth.

The list of things to do.

2010-11-29T01:28:00.001+08:00

My ten page essay for Malaysian Studies is as of now not even drafted. This is to be passed up on the 30th of November. That gives me less than 48hours. Screwed.

Also, my presentation for PR is yet to be completed. I’m 17 completed slides in and I need maybe another twenty to ensure our presentation is over 30minutes. And I was looking over the assignment brief awhile ago and there’s this report thing that we’ve yet to prepare. It’s supposed to be a case study kind of binded report and It carries 15% of my grade.

Well, if I stay positive, I just need to slave my way through to Thursday and then I’ll have the next few days off. Ratata’s birthday celebration will be from friday to saturday and I might only come home on Sunday, so yeah! It will be all worth it. The weekend will be a blast :)

Either way though, this week is going to kill me all sorts of ways.

Come as you are.

2010-11-27T00:34:00.001+08:00

I’ve been super exhausted. My mind hasn’t been working the way it should. So much to be done and yet it feels like none of it is of any importance whatsoever.

So. I’ve got a 9.30am class tomorrow and it’s a friggin’ Saturday. None of us are going to be in a good mood tomorrow, not one. And since he’s sent warning letters to almost EVERYONE in my class, we kinda can’t skip, can we? Bah, he plays his plot out well.

There’s this family dinner thing that I have tomorrow as well. Don’t know whether I should pack up nicely or wing it and just go in my college clothes. Maybe I’ll pack a spare tee or blouse or something.

To be very honest, I don’t know what else to say. I’m really running out of words. I’m so tired. I wish I was on holiday already. Somewhere far, far away from PJ and KL. Just anywhere, you know. Somewhere where nobody knew me and I could just stop. As in, stop everything. I could just be and not worry about being.

Is this making any sense to you? Just fucking listen okay.

Keeping up appearances and semblances of sanity is really tough work and quite frankly, I’m bored of it all. Everything seems to be super fast paced, but I’m not getting anywhere. I’m so tired of it and just plain tired lah okay.

…

I think I’m ready for some chaos now, just not this kind.

I’m out.

2010-11-24T01:13:00.001+08:00

GAH. That’s the sound I make when I’m frustrated. Gah!

It’s just really hard to let go. I feel like I’ve come so far and the progress I’ve made has been more than what even I expected to achieve so it seems stupid to throw this all away now. Okay, I won’t really be “throwing” anything completely away; you’re my friend after all. I just gotta get rid of this little expectancy at the back of my head. I just keep wishing and expecting you to change your mind and… I don’t know. I mean, just give me a chance?

It’s really hard. And it’s surprising because, we’ve not been anything more than just really good friends, you know? But this is really just draining me of all my energy now. I don’t have any left.

There’s not really much else to say. Well, nothing I can word properly at this point. There’s a lot of stuff going through my head but honestly, saying it out here would be a bit too public. And maybe talking further about this is just gonna get me completely messed up because it’s really hard to come to terms with me actually forgetting the possibility of being with you. I’ve always said you were worth fighting for, but you’re making it quite clear that my affection is in vain, so why continue trying? I don’t know where I’m gonna go from here. I guess I’ll just drill myself into my studies and keep my guard up.

I mean, shit, do you know how long it took me to let you know me this well? Before you, it’d been eighteen months since I’d opened up to anyone like that. Eighteen! And then I started with you after so much hesitancy and yet again I fell into that trap I know so well. Granted that being a good friend isn’t a bad thing, it’s not really what I was hoping for. I mean, why do I always get stuck in that category? Just why? I’ve given so much and I thought this time with you… we had chemistry.

Matters of the heart are always so draining. I’ve given up. I mean, why open myself up like that again? You’ve taught me a lesson, I guess. It’s best to keep yourself safe. I’m not going make myself vulnerable to this kind of ache anytime soon. I’ll keep my guard up just as I did for those eighteen months, that’s what I’ll do. I can’t imagine going through another dilemma like this. Maybe it’s best to keep yourself closed off at all times. Maybe when you stop letting people in, you’ll stop getting hurt.

I think I really may need some time away from you. Just till I set my shit straight because I really don’t wanna cry over you. Crying over you just seems stupid. ‘Cause I know damned sure that it’s not gonna help me let go at all.

Crying really seems stupid but I haven’t been able to stop :(

Happy Birthday, Nicholas Hon You Onn.

2010-11-22T02:37:00.001+08:00

Yeah, you’ll probably never read this but whatever; it’s the thought that counts.

About thirty minutes ago I went downstairs to get some water only to find you raiding the kitchen for snacks. We talked quite a bit and I miss that; we haven’t done that in awhile. You’ve been busy working and keeping with people and I’ve been busy studying and keeping up with people, too. It’s kinda weird how up till last year, we still talked on a daily basis and this year it’s like… poof.

Anyway, happy birthday! I hope you get yourself a nice Playstation 3 or Xbox or something. That’s be the shizz! Or I hope dad gets it for you or something lah.

I love you big bro! :D

The sex she slipped into my coffee.

2010-11-21T00:51:00.001+08:00

Yeah, that’s from Maroon 5’s song The Sun off their first album. I don’t drink coffee, but if I did… well, then this would explain it all. HAHA yeah, no.

I have been really irritable this past one week plus. I don’t know if anyone has noticed. I mean, I don’t blow up in people’s faces like “WHUT YOU WANT, BITCH?!”. I just realise that I’ve been so very easily ticked off by even little spats. Example: When someone asked me a question twice today, I answered in a really rude tone. And when I get nagged at, I turn around and find myself muttering “omg shut the fuck up lah”.

And I KNOW all of this is uncalled for on my part. But I don’t know, maybe it’s PMS? Wouldn’t know yet now would I D:

I wanna stop being grouchy and grumpy. Either it’s the PMS or people have been behaving really stupidly recently. Heh. Both seem like very likely situations.

Okay. Before I rant some more and work myself up to be even grouchier and grumpier, I had better get some sleep.

GAH; WHY I IS SO RESTLESSLY ANNOYED?

People and Places.

2010-11-17T23:18:00.001+08:00

Wah, seriously man, a good day filled to the brim with good company. Went around KLCC, Pavillion and Sungei Wang today searching for inspiration for my photojournalism exercise. Was there with Ashraf, Kate and Badler. SHOUT OUT TO BAD: Hope you had a rather awesome birthday :)

Was out of the house by 12pm, walked about KLCC park with Ashraf. As we were walking towards the park, I saw the Soh sisters! Haven’t seen them in aaaaaaaaages so I called them up and said we’d meet up later after their movie for dinner or something. Then Ashraf and I met up with Bad and Kate and left for Pavillion. I took photos of how Sticky candy was made. Don’t know if I’ll be using them for the assignment though. I’m pretty ballsy prepping the photos so last minute. But meh, I have a stash of usable photos if anything.

Then, we walked IN THE RAIN towards Sg Wang. Pit stop at uniqlo to just kepo around when I bumped into my bro there. Didn’t buy anything. When we were ready to continue towards Sg Wang, the rain was even heavier! We dashed and arrived at the Lot 10 Isetan Food market completely soaked. Thank God i had my cap on so my hair look less of a mess :P

Walked through Lot 10 and finally got to Sg Wang. Went looking for t-shirts ‘cause we were so drenched. I bought a nice dark blue tee with bicycles on it. I likes. Then, we walked around a bit and took photos in this tattoo parlour. Didn’t get enough impressive shots though. And there weren’t many other tattoo parlours that had people actually getting their ink done, so that sucked.

We went to KFC for a late lunch at around 3pm ‘cause Kate and I were starving. Ate, talked and stoned and zoned out a bit ‘cause we were sooooo tired from all the walking and running. Lepaked till around 5pm, when Soh Yi Lin and Yi Wan turned up! :D Sit and talked till around 6pm, then the rest left and it was only the Sohs and I. Walked over to Times Square and caught up. Went to Gasoline for a drink and I bitched about all those old schoolmates of mine who were (and probably still are) utterly ignorant people.

Had dinner at Papa John’s. And I realised it was my first time there ever. Boy I’ve been missing out; the pizzas there are yummmmmmmmmmmmmy! Sit and talked talked talked till we realised it was already nearing 10pm! I had told my dad I’d be back by 9! HEEHEE. Rushed to the monorail and the three of us sat the train back to Titiwangsa terminal.

I feel so happy now. I mean, it’s really been a fantastic day. Was so good just getting out of the house. And it was really good meeting up with the Sohs after so long. Never thought I’d have so much fun today.

I am very happy :D

A little itch.

2010-11-17T02:11:00.001+08:00

“The cold wind was slapping hard against her cheek. She braced herself against him, using him as a shield against the wind and rain. What a storm. Pellets rained down all around them, creating a fortress of white. She panicked.”

I cannot do another presentation on the economy ever again. I had a minor anxiety attack during class break; it was just too much pressure. Maybe I did contribute to it, psyching myself out and all here and there subconsciously. After all, I did study and do sufficient research on the topic, so there was no reason for this presentation to intimidate me.

But I just really couldn’t handle the stress. It felt, to me, that everything I said was just floating above the heads of everyone in class, as if I were speaking a different language. I felt mocked by my own words. And thus came the notion that I was failing.

I don’t understand why I reacted so badly today. Even after the class break and after I gathered my bearings to plow through the second half of my presentation, I found myself still jumpy and easily disheartened. And the nerves were just killing me a million and one ways every single second. I tripped over words which I use on a regular basis. I started over-compensating by speaking in long-winded sentences and using animated gestures. Every single pause I took weighed a ton and my heart was beating so fast I could hear it thumping around franticly. Just as frantic as my hands were when they searched the textbook for references.

And whenever Miss Jo got up to cover bits of my presentation, I held my breath. Then I’d try my best to continue pretending I was in control of the situation. My mind was going berserk and my tummy started tying itself it knots. I hid all that behind my nervous laughter and the lack of eye contact helped a lot.

I really don’t know why I was so anxious today. I think it was because I only found out yesterday exactly how important my topics were for the syllabus. Maybe also because I knew there were certain expectations for me to rise to. I personally maybe set my standards a bit too high. Either that, or it was me just psyching myself out all the way.

But, really. Today, my mind and everything else was just utter chaos.

A very poignant list.

2010-11-15T22:56:00.001+08:00

20 MEN I’D DO IN A HEARTBEAT.

In no particular order whatsoever:

Joseph Gordon Levitt
Brandon Boyd
James McAvoy
Viggo Mortensen (Yes, I would.)
Alexander Skarsgard
John Mayer
Ashton Kutcher
Tyson Ritter
EMINEMMMM
Jared Leto
Michael C. Hall
Brandon Flowers
Jude Law
Patrick Dempsey (MCDREAMY MY GAWD)
James Franco
Josh Hartnett
Hugh Laurie
RAIN
Will Smith
Ed Westwick (CHUCK BASS, BITCHESSS!)

Okay. Am in super fan girly mood now. LALALALA. Going to do some prep for tomorrow’s sociology presentation and it has nothing to do with hot men. *darnthatshit*

Insomnia or something sinister.

2010-11-15T03:53:00.001+08:00

I just can’t go to sleep. Finally got all my slides for Tuesday done and ready but now I just can’t sleep. Too much buzzing in my head. And it’s such a humid night. And my heart just isn’t in it.

Anyway, I was on tumblr and I’m not super freaked out about the 4chan scare. I’ll be pretty damned sad if tumblr goes down, but meh; I’ve lost worse things than just a blog. Like my sanity and sense of judgment D:

It is hitting me that the gap reaaaaally is closing and pretty soon I guess I’ll have to move on. Not give up; I’ve said that I won’t. But I should prepare to put this on the backburner, just in case. I’m bracing myself for it because I’m thinking it shouldn’t be too long from now. If you’re happy just the way things are, I guess I shouldn’t push my luck. I cherish you too much as a friend to let my heart get in the way of this and screw things up.

I’ve been treading so carefully with you. I usually have this “Fuck All” attitude when it comes to relationships, like a let’s try things out and clear up the shit later. The thought I’ve put behind everything I’ve done thus far stuns me sometimes. I’ve changed a lot and it’s a good thing; I kind of like this reasonable Belinda.

And it’s just proving to me again and again that having you around has done wonders for me. Really. I wouldn’t be this person I am now if things happened differently and if I’d never met you. Like I’ve said so many times before, you make me want to be all I can be. I’m striving towards that for both of us because we feed off each other sometimes yes?

It’s funny because there are times when it feels like it’s just right, you know? Chemistry and all that mumbo jumbo? Maybe it’s just friendship. I guess it probably is just that. The good friend zone. I always find myself in this zone for some reason.

Maybe I’ve been reading in too much into all these signs. I guess, whatever it is, I’ll just have to roll with it and try to find a solution that is good for me and for you.

Great, now it’s gonna take me another half hour before I fall asleep. How do I go to bed when I’ve got thoughts like this? These thoughts I have of you usually keep me up anyway, but tonight it’s going to be worse than usual I’m guessing.

Ah, such dilemmas. I wish you were here, because you comfort me and boy do I need a hug right now.

Variables.

2010-11-13T20:25:00.001+08:00

I put the “pro” in procrastination.

My photojournalism assignment is due this Friday and I have yet to settle on a theme. It’s has to be either poverty, lifestyle, crisis or public/private event. I think I’m screwed D:

I’ve recruited Ramin as my mentor/creative genius like person for the assignment. Made a date with him to go trigger happy on Wednesday. Don’t know what we’re gonna end up shooting but it’s got to fit into one of those themes up there. If shit hits the fan… we’ll head to Chow Kit or something and take photos of beggars and grime.

But to be honest, I hope it doesn’t happen. I’m actually quite chicken about bringing myself to Chow Kit. Last time when I was a kid and followed my parents around everywhere, we’d go to the wet market in Chow Kit almost weekly. I hated it. Being there made me feel like I was catching some contagious disease. I’d pass by all sorts of people (especially in the darker alleys further in) and they’d all give me this cock stare if I happened to cross eyes with them. It was this look that plainly said “Mind yourself.” Or at least that’s how I perceived it at the time.

So yeah, I really hope I don’t need to use Chow Kit as my background. It gives me the creeps D:

The song that’s been keeping me up.

2010-11-13T14:31:00.001+08:00

This is Catalyst by Anna Nalick. Her voice here is so amazing. And the lyrics just get to me, ‘cause it’s so true. Listen or regret. Fo’ real.

I vented a lot yesterday already so I’m thinking I won’t blurt out everything now. Besides, today is supposed to be my “Free-of-you” day. The cousins are over and I’m guessing I should keep a smile up today and spend time with them.

PFFFT. No. I’m definitely gonna be playing computer games or something. My cousins and I never do quality time the way it’s supposed to be. But it’s okayy cause i love em anyway :)

If you can’t beat the system, get creative.

2010-11-12T20:36:00.001+08:00

I was doing the laundry just now and I started wondering what life would be like if our roles were switched. If you know, you were the one pursuing and I was the one not really caring. Okay, not the one not really caring, because you do care. It’s just not in the context I wish you would care for me.

Oh boy don’t I sound greedy D:

Anyway, I was thinking about all that, and it hit me that maybe I’d play the deaf ear, too if I was in your shoes. I don’t know for sure whether you just haven’t caught on yet or whether you already know, but sometimes I think you do. You do, but you choose not to be upfront about it. I get why; we have a good thing between us already so why stir up the one fact that might jeopardise all that and make things mighty awkward? If I were in your shoes, I think I might pretend to not address the signs as well.

I think I’d still be super attracted to you anyway because you amaze me sometimes and there’s this kind of comfort I get from being around you. It’s a warm fuzzy protected sort of comfort. And with you I feel like I can touch the skies and there’s no limit to what I can achieve. You make me feel all positive and you make me want to do my best. Because I know to some extent that it will make you smile, maybe just once in awhile.

Yeah, I don’t think I’m giving up. The spaces are narrowing but I’ll get through or at least I won’t give up. I’m usually so hesitant and confused and I never wait out for something that doesn’t come with some sort of guarantee but you are one thing I certainly have no doubts about. You make me so bloody happy.

OH GOD BELINDA YOU ARE SO THE CORNY.
*scrapscrapscrap* *editeditedit*

Sadly, she was melancholic.

2010-11-11T01:19:00.001+08:00

GEDDIT?

SADLY, she was MELANCHOLIC.

Look how clever I am, hohohohoho. I mean, she couldn’t have been happily melancholic, right? GEDDIT?!

Well, if you don’t geddit, then puhhh, you suck.
~~*throws minor hissy fit*~~

And in other news, Belinda Hon has lost her sanity.
Oh but wait a minute; my sources tell me this is old news.

OKAY OKAY I’LL STOP BEING SPASTIC. Bah. REALLY.

I’m having a whole day out tomorrow and I won’t be back in my comfy/messy/hazardous bedroom till Friday night. Here are my plans for the next two days:

11th of November, THURSDAY

7.00am – Wake up and prettify self. Pack clothes and stuffff for sleepover. Squeeze in Facebook time someee where in there.
8.30am – Leave for PJ to meet Ratata and Kate.
9.00am – Arrive at IACT and ber-brekkie. Probably Tappers, Set 10 :) Chill, bitch, chill, bitch, freak out about Friday’s exam and then bitch some more.
11.00am – Get into Sam’s car and head off to OneUtama. Get tickets for THE MOVIE. Squeeze in snack time/lunch. I dunno, depends on our tummies.
12.30pm – MOVIEEEE.
3.00pm – FOOOOOOD. SHOP. BITCH SOME MORE.
5.30pm – Leave for steamboat buffet in Puchong!
6.30pm – MAKAN BUFFET PUAS-PUAS!
8.30pm – Meet up with Capri after makan! :))))
10.00pm – Leave for Ratata’s house for our sleepover!
10.30pm – ~~BER-BITCH AND SHARE FEELINGS TILL 3AM IN THE MORNING~~ STUDY FOR MALAYSIAN STUDIES EXAM VERY, VERY HARD! AND SLEEP VERY, VERY EARLY.

12th of November, FRIDAY

10.00am – Wake up and ber-brekkie. Disregard prettifying self.
11.00am – Freak out about Malaysian Studies exam.
11.15am – Go on Facebook/Twitter/Tumblr to destress and find out how many other people are freaking out.
12.00pm – REALLY FREAK OUT AND START STUDYING LIKE A MAD WOMAN.
1.00pm – Leave for IACT.
2.00pm – Study while having a probably light lunch due to butterflies in the stomach. Find some way to update Fatima on what went down the day before.
2.45pm – START FREAKING OUT MAJORLY. Get to exam room.
3.00pm – Start of exam. Struggle at questions 3, 6 and 13. Look desperately around for someone who looks worse off than I do.
5.00pm – End exam. Rush the fuck out of the exam room and complain and freak some more. Laugh at how freaked out we were before the exam.
6.00pm – Leave PJ for Sentul, ze Ghetto, my hood.

And then find myself home, sweet home in my room once again!

Of course, I don’t expect this schedule will stick AT ALL. I mean, it’s me after all. When do I ever stick to schedules? Pffft. Beneath me. LALALALALA

Okay, I need sleep if I’m going to prettify myself by 8.30am.

Goodnight, avid reader of none.

Here, have a .gif!

2010-11-10T21:26:00.001+08:00

What I’ve been feeling recently…

Not necessarily in that order, but you can more or less tell how mood-swingy I’ve been recently. Highs and lows and all that funky crud D:

And no; I haven’t kissed anyone recently (see first .gif). I guess it should be “it was only a touch”.

I feel like no. 2 whenever there’s some hot rumor going about… or when someone mentions *ehem*. HAHAHAHAHA

I was so super mad today at the audacity of a certain someone. I say respect is given where respect is due, so don’t go around trying to fucking school me in that area.

I think the Fez one is soooooooo adorable. I love That 70’s Show. That, and I really do love you.

The crocodile one is me when I’m all fluffy and smitten... which I have been a lot this week. *teehee*

Just gonna stand there and hear me roar? That’s alright because I am a dinosaur.

2010-11-09T09:55:00.001+08:00

I realise I blog less when I’m happy. I guess because when I’m happy, I want to prolong that feeling, keep it bubbling inside and cheering me up and all. I guess when I’m down in the dumps, all that matters is getting everything out of my system, so venting as much as I can usually helps.

But today is different. I am still happy.

Over the moon that Tarrant Kwok is back and that I’ll be having dinner with him tonight.

Still high on that feeling of accomplishment when I submitted that feature article.

Beaming with pride at my ready to be tested monologue and script.

And maybe because I’ve just been surrounded by positive ju-ju vibes recently. It’s so much easier to smile. I guess good company and friends do that to you?

ALSO. Might be off to a holiday with Amesies and Joyee come end of the year. If that roadtrip happens, it is gonna be soooooooo sick :)

Things are looking up mostly. WHEE!

Marshmallows rhyme with Rainbows.

2010-11-09T00:39:00.001+08:00

I’m tired. Very, very tired. But I just had my dinner (or more like supper), so I’m gonna wait a bit before I sleep.

I felt like queen of the world for quite a bit today. I handed in that feature article and I think I did okay on it.

Anyway, I’m even happier now because Tarrant Kwok is back in Msia! Don’t know how long, but this news has just made my day :)

Yeah, I hope he never reads this D:

Off to bed now with a wideeeeeeee grin.

Currently depressed over current state of mind. This song explains it all.

2010-11-06T01:39:00.001+08:00

"All Hail The Heartbreaker" – The Spill Canvas

I had the notion that you'd make me change my ways
My bad habits would be gone in a matter of days
I had the feeling that you'd open up my eyes
To a whole new world that had since been in disguise

But that day will most likely never come for me
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck
To everything you are

So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures
And overanalyze your words
But the truth is that I've never fallen so hard
It's taking everything in me
Just to forget your sweater so far

I had the notion that you'd make me forget the world
But your undecisive mind shows me that
You are "just another girl"
I had the feeling that those looks you gave me were real
What if I ripped your heart apart at the seams
Maybe then you'd know how I feel

But that day will most likely never come for me
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck
To everything you are

So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures
And overanalyze your words
But the truth is that I've never fallen so hard
It's taking everything in me
Just to forget your sweater so far

I can honestly say
That I never, ever, ever felt this way
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin
These are the parts of your body
That cause my comatose to begin
I can honestly say
That I never, ever, ever felt this way
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin
These are the parts of your body
That cause my comatose to begin

I will sleep another day
I don't really need to anyway
What's the point when my dreams are infected
With words you used to say
I will breathe in a moment
As long as I keep my distance
I wouldn't want to go messing anything up

So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about you constantly
So maybe I do,
but that shouldn't affect your life anymore
I knew it the moment you walked into the door

So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about this constantly
So maybe I do,
but that shouldn't affect your life anymore
I knew it the moment you walked into the door

I'll let you get the best of me
Because there's nothing else that I do well
I'll let you get the best of me
Because there's nothing else that I do well

I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker
I guess that's how this one's gonna go
I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker
You've got me down on my knees and I proclaim
”All hail the heartbreaker.”

Talk about spamming your blog much.

2010-11-06T01:06:00.001+08:00

AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH. I don’t feel good.

Now I’m just typing ‘cause I don’t know where else to vent. Vent. VENT. I’m so sad.

SO SAD. LIKE, REALLY SAD!

I don’t know whyyyyyyyyyyy. I mean I do, but I don’t know why I’m not used to feeling like this yet.

This sucks. Major. MAJOR.

I’m going to bury my FEELINGS under layers of lyrics now. You know why? ‘Cause I get my hopes up then they come crashing down. GAAAAAAH!

I should create a playlist titled “Listen when to this playlist when you read something related to him which upsets you”. I think it’s too long, but fuck that!

bjkwgnewqfew nfnr3ojgu2y58tjjmner m,fvh4uwhinn rf gvgji4gw9n2g!

Smashing keyboards help a lot.

bgfywnfhy829pkfcaw,kllnjkmr3gy3wdkxq2=7esx?SQ lt9,fl,ckm nkcm k hr3km732k; .,AS, N FSL KSFDX

You, You, You and You Are Everything.

2010-11-06T00:44:00.001+08:00

My heart breaks a little every time you post up something to do with a person you only identify as "you". 'Cause I always wonder afterwards, if it was meant for me.

I know this probably sounds really sad. But I can’t help it. I wish and I wish and I hope you mean me when you say “you”. You get it? Ugh, I’m so bad at this trying to keep things the way they are thing. Really. I’m not greedy. I just hate not knowing. Let’s face it; I’ve got an ego and I have an unreasonable fear of rejection. I do. And I’m very afraid of being played for a fool. Been there too many times.

I’m afraid I’m making a real fool of myself now though huh.

I mean, really. The possibility of “you” being me, is almost not there at all. But I wish it was. Oh God, how I do wish it was.

Great. Head over heels for you once again.

I must stop thinking about you so much.

Ah, heart, be strong!

Running all over me.

2010-11-05T22:57:00.001+08:00

Because I know you stalk my blog, shoutout to Johann Oh. You still owe me three movies. Yeaaaaaahh.

Anyway.

I have recently developed a liking for vehicles. Okay, not a liking. I’ve just been thinking a lot about movement and progress and getting ahead, so vehicles kinda just pop in my head occasionally.

I have a lot to write about actually. I’ve got a lot on my mind (more than usual) but it’s mostly good things. I’m feeling a lot better about most things (not my PR feature article which I’ve yet to start on though). I need to unload, unwind.

Heh, that reminds me of this lame joke Danial cracked during the Unplugged Halloween party.

Why does a mummy hate to go on holidays?
- Because he needs to relax and UNWIND.

I did warn you that it was a lame joke. HA-HA-HA-HA!

Wow, I’m doing a really bad job of emptying my mind. Like, so bad. FAIL.

You see, I really REALLY like you. A lot. And I enjoy being with you. I feel like inserting a romantic quote here just because I’m kinda overflowing with this fluffy romantic stuff right now but I don’t know how to word it right. It’s simply summed up by I care for you very, very much and I love it when I make you happy. It makes me feel like I’m finally doing something worthwhile, because you definitely aren’t a waste of time.

... And somehow communicate some of the over-whelming, undying, overpowering, unconditional, all-encompassing, heart-enriching, mind-expanding, ongoing, never-ending love I have for you.

– Reflections of a Skyline.

These words explain it all and yet they are not enough because I still don’t think I’ve said all I can say. I wanna be all redundant, but I’m stubborn that way and you know that.

Ahhh, I think I know what it feels like now to be really happy with what you have, even when you don’t have much. This is good.

Recovered.

2010-11-03T00:53:00.001+08:00

There’s this really bad taste in my mouth and no matter how many times I swallow, I just can’t seem to get rid of it. No, this is not some kinky shit. It’s just that it has been bothering me the whole day and now it still refuses to bugger off. I think I might be falling pretty ill and it looks like my voice is gonna die on me pretty soon.

On another note, MEGAMIND IS SUPER AWESOME. One of the best movies I’ve seen this year. REALLY. So funny! They had the best jokes EVERRRR. I wanna be like Megamind. He’s like my new idol. SOOOOOOOOOO AWESOME. Ratata, Kate, Leo and I were laughing sooooo loudly. There was this bit about the queen of England and NOBODY ELSE in the cinema got it but for us. :P

Aiyoh, it was such a goodnight.

OMG I WANNA WATCH IT AGAIN. It was really THAT good.

Ok, off to bed smiling and replaying the movie in my head. SERIOUSLY, OMG SO GOOD.

It really super sucks when you do that.

2010-10-31T19:04:00.000+08:00

Let’s say someone you cared about was in a coma. Throughout that time, you took care of him and tried your very best to get him back to who he was before. Now, how would you feel if said person came out of the coma and you weren’t the first person to know? And not only that, but let’s say the first person he went to was someone he isn’t that close to (in comparison). Wouldn’t that be a slap to the face? If no, then maybe its just me.

I’m just kinda hurt. I don’t even know why ‘cause its naive and childish and stupid to be hurt by something like this. It is. I mean I’ve been feeling so shits about it, and then when things got better it’s like I wasn’t needed anymore. But that’s the way things are. Its normal. People don’t always put you first, it’s like rule number one of growing up. You will not always be on someone’s mind and you will never be the center of someone’s attention 24 hours a friggin’ day. Grow up already!

I don’t feel used, I just feel really stupid. And no, this has nothing to do with a real coma. I just wished you put me a little higher in your list of VIPs.

Oh yeah Belinda, this is not pathetic at all.

Ps: I hope the third party in this scenario reads this and notes that I really don’t blame him/her. I just got kinda sad but it’s not your fault.

You take the breath right out of me.

2010-10-27T00:15:00.001+08:00

Okay, I’ve been trying to get my mind off things but I can’t. After being reminded yesterday and earlier today of how I really feel, it’s like I can’t pretend anymore. I try to distract myself from what I really feel because I’ve kinda set it in my mind that nothing will happen between you and I anytime soon. You just don’t see me that way and there’s really a part of me that’s just given up on us chasing you. Call me weak; there might be some truth in that.

I see relationships that last less or just a little over a month and I usually think “You guys didn’t even try”. I know I’ve had my share of relationships that failed a little too soon for my liking, but I fought for those. It’s just that they (my ex’s) never fought with me. Or at least that’s how I see it. And that is kinda like what I’m feeling now. It’s been awhile since this fight started and till today, in the pit of my stomach, I believe there hasn’t been a concrete moment when you fought for me. I would be lying if I said I feel less for you because of this; it’s just who you are and I can’t blame you. I can’t force you to fight as hard for me, especially since you probably don’t even feel the need to.

The thing is, you can only love so much and fight for such a time. And I really feel that my time is running out. I mean, I enjoy spending time with you and all that, but nothing is reciprocated and I don’t want to have to continue hiding my affection for you. It is abundant and holding it all in and pretending to not care when other girls make passes at you is torture.

I’ve been finding ways to forestall openly admitting that I’ve lost this fight. I’ve been cheating myself into believing that I’ve moved on from you by talking to boys and getting myself worked up about them. I mean, really, they don’t mean anything. Distractions; that’s all they are. Friends and of course, I enjoy their company. But when
I go to sleep at night, I always just wonder where you are and if you are well and if, to some extent, you miss me too. When I hear a love song on the radio, I don’t think of those other boys; I think of you and how I wish it were relevant to us both.

This is becoming a rather pathetic post. I’m friggin’ pining.

The thought of completely giving up on you is too scary. I don’t think I can actually do it. But I have to let go or I am going to constantly be torn between the part of me that’s surrendered and the part of me that’s still fighting. It’s exhausting.

You are still a big part of me. But the idea of “us” actually happening is something I am looking forward to forgetting. Maybe five years from now, before I move away or you get married or something completely tears us apart, I’ll finally have the guts to tell you that all my posts have been about you. And maybe then, you’ll read through all these words and begin to comprehend how much I wanted to continue fighting for you. And maybe then, maybe then you’ll start trying to win me back. That’s all I am hoping for and I really hope it does come true. One day. ‘Cause now unfortunately I feel that my grip is slipping and steadily I’m losing this fight. I hope in time you’ll fight back for me too.

Ugh, I wish my heart was still intact. I think I need to shed some tears. Not tonight, it’s already been too taxing. Maybe by the end of this week. That would be ideal.

And I know I’ve overused these lyrics so many times on this blog, but really, these lyrics depict exactly what’s going on in my head right now:

I don’t know why I fight for you this way.

I think I love you and wish you loved me too.

</3

BRB

2010-10-26T23:28:00.001+08:00

I have a post that is yet to be published. It’s all done and I’m less emotional weighed down now. But I haven’t thought of a suitable title. Until I find that title, it shall remain in the draft box.

Maybe later tonight then.

DISCLAIMER: That post contains emo-ness, apathy, self-indulgence and heartbreak.

Gah. So saddening.

Gluek & Gluek

2010-10-26T20:59:00.001+08:00

I have been so super tired and busy and sleep deprived recently. But it’s weird because I actually really feel alive right now. I feel like I’m actually living and not just going through the motions pointlessly. It’s a good feeling.

Anyway, I need to confess now. I did something really, REALLY bad. I’m a third striker now and I probably should have walked away when I had the chance. But I didn’t and why; because I wasn’t thinking straight ~~and I felt selfish.~~ I am very outspoken about how I’m against things like that and yet I just did it. Such a hypocrite.

While I know what I did was wrong on a billion levels, it’s not eating its way through me anymore. I mean, no point crying over spilt milk and all that, right? It happened, I regret it and promise to stay away from such things from now. What’s done is done; move the fuck on.

Oh, that felt good. I’m doing a lot of emotional dumping on this blog. Maybe I should get back to rambling.

So here’s a short list of randomness:

I got a friggin 3.31 GPA for my last semester. Yeah, it’s an okay score but it still pisses me off, just because I was so close yet so far. ARGH. KEEL, KEEL, KEEEEEL!
I spent Sunday afternoon on a horse ranch in Shah Alam and ~~bounced most of the day away on a trampoline~~ worked very hard.
I can’t skip anymore Malaysian Studies classes because I got a letter saying so D:
Oh, UNIQLO is opening about a week from now! And I already have 100MYR worth of vouchers. AWESOME SAUCE.
My group’s photography assignment kinda kicks assss (I think).
Ze German dude is gonna be lepak-ing with me most of Thursday.
I don’t know what to wear for the halloween thingy on Thursday.
I don’t know if ze German dude is gonna dress up for Thursday.
By the way, Gluek & Gluek is a reference to today’s sociology class.
Though I wasn’t so thrilled at first, I’m really glad I have had a good group to work with for Sociology.
I can’t wait for this year to end so I can resume performing :(
I am running out of random things to write.

Yeah, okay so the tenth point kinda sums it all up. I’m waiting for Dexter to load now. And I wanna vent some more actually, but I really don’t think this is the place. No one wants to hear anymore complaining for today, I guess. Hmm.

Ok, that’s my cue to leave. byebye.

Get this off your chest.

2010-10-22T13:13:00.001+08:00

Gaaah. I feel super sucky.

Have you ever had that sudden realisation that you've been taking too much for granted and you've not been doing enough? Yeah. I feel like that. With my friends (Or the very few people who tolerate me).

I don’t know. I think I've been selfish. And I don't think I've done as much for them as they've done for me. Especially this year. Like, I think I've been trying to juggle everything and it's all come toppling down now with Joyee, Azelia, the girls at college, everyone.

It's just hitting me now that because I've been having to do a lot of discovering and adapting this year, I think I haven’t done anything for them. As in even just really listening to their problems. Or just being there you know.

I feel quite disgusted with my lifestyle.

I just don’t think I’m taking any interest in what’s happening in their lives. No, wait, no, that’s not what I meant. It’s more like I don’t think I’ve been actively and completely there for them. I’m interested of course, I mean, jeez I care for these people. I guess I just haven’t been making the extra effort to be there with them through stuff.

I mean, everyone is growing up and each of them is going through this transformation, just like me. Transitioning from one period of their life to the other and things are constantly happening and I feel now like I’m missing out on all of it. And that fucking kills me because I realise that they’ve helped me deal with my shit and all through that, they had things to sort out too and here I am not reciprocating.

Fuck. Fuck. I really feel like most self-centered person ever.

Oh my God I never thought I was so out of it. This is what you get for trying to do everything; you end up giving 20% to the people who’ve stuck with you instead of your hundred. And then you’re gonna realise at the end of it that you don’t have anyone to go to because while you were busy using your balance 80% on everything else, your friends found that they don’t really need you anymore because it was all ‘take’ on your part.

I am going to change my ways. The world does not revolve around me and my friends deserve a hell of a lot more than I’ve been giving them.

Mood: All over the place in a good way.

2010-10-21T21:40:00.001+08:00

Warning: This post might get very cheesy ‘cause it’s all about friendship.

Okay, so how do I say this? Ummm. As crazy as this sounds I actually kinda miss you? Not “miss you” miss you. It’s just… err, I miss you. It’s not been very long, but I miss talking. And miss poking fun at you. Miss pretending to know oodles more than you do. I kinda just miss hanging around you. I mean, you’re really fun.

Hmmm. It’s weird how quickly we move on when we’re happy. When I was feeling like crap, it made me ~~kinda pine~~ wish you were here even more. But now that my life is heading rather well, I find that I need you less and it all just seems less intense.

Ok, I sound like I was using you. That’s not true.

I guess, you were good to me and you cheered me up and you kinda gave me this little bit of hope? You (partly) got me to this little happy place I’ve constructed around myself. And don’t get me wrong; just because I realise don’t need you as much now, doesn’t mean I’m cutting you off. I’m just musing.

I miss you, but not in the way I did earlier, as in before this happy place of mine came about. Now, it’s a more familiar kind of miss.

Ugggghh, I don’t think I’m making sense. I know I rarely do anyways, but it’s super clear in this post that I’m kinda talking out of my ass right now.

Heh, and because of SpellCheck, it’s also super clear that I’ve used the word “kinda” waaaaaaaayy too many times already.

Basically, what I’m trying to say here, is I miss you and you’ve done me a big favor without even realising. So, thank you and I can’t wait to see where this goes next.
I think it’s gonna be one helluva ride.

Tonight, I must go to sleep by 12am.

2010-10-18T23:58:00.001+08:00

So I dragged my ass over to Liveshocks at Alex’s place ‘cause I’d submitted a script this time around. YEAY FOR FIRST TIMERS!

I was soooo worried about what people would think about my script and all, because I don’t really write much? As in plays and scripts and all that. I’ve written ONE ten minute piece for Sweatshop earlier and that’s about it. My previous work for high school plays don’t count because… well, they’re in bloody high school play format.

Anyway, so I was freaking out at first but then I was like, “Hmmm, it’s not all bad because it’s just the five of us this time”. 15 minutes into the session, BOOM; Banun, Jit and their friend Ika waltz in. I was happy to see them, ‘cause it felt like quite a bit since we hung out, but then I freaked out again about my script actually being read D:

My script was suppose to round up the night, but because Jit and ze gang needed to leave early, Alex decided to push my script one slot forward. ~~By that point, I was already contemplating strangling myself with my shawl or something.~~

Alex and Banun played the two characters in my script. It got some laughs here and there, and all the while I was gritting my teeth ‘cause I really was so super nervous. It turned out in the end that the table enjoyed it and it wasn’t a complete phailure. I felt so good after getting the thing done and over with and I’m thinking maybe I’ll take their advice and expand on it a bit more. SO WHEEEEEE, IT WAS A GOOOOD NIGHT :)

And that was Sunday. And that is not the reason I am so exhausted right now.

Earlier today, at like friggin’ 8am, I got myself to college for this Rough Cuts workshop by Primeworks. To be honest, I didn’t exactly know what was in store and what the workshop would be all about. The actual thing only got started at around 9.45am. Turns out, it was this idea generation guide and it also aimed to teach us a bit about preparing media content and pitching and all that jazz.

It was a lot of brainstorming and discussing and plotting and it actually was a lot of fun. The thing is, they kept chucking sweets at us to keep us awake, but all the Mentos and Cola sweets gave me this really bad buzz! I had such a bad sugar rush; I could my energy just flying about everywhere! It kinda helped with the brainstorming bit because my brain just kept expelling words anywhere possible. But later, when it got down to producing slides and sorting out presentation, my rush kinda died off and I was left with this zombie-like feeling. Everything just crashed and I think I got a litttttle ~~pissy~~ irritable.

So then we hastily put together our Power Point presentation and decided that we’d go up first this time to pitch. We were having some problems hooking up the laptop to the projector and all. And while all that was going on, my lecturers just started popping up in the audience. Miss Jo was there, Michael Choong, Su. I was like, GREAT. OMG THANK YOU, REALLY. AS IF I NEEDED ANYMORE PRESSURE.

After we got our Power Point to actually work, we began our pitch. I did most of the talking, ‘cause I didn’t really help much with the slides seeing as I am that noobular. But I have to say that the team did a great job managing the whole thing. All I did was verbalise their work and it paid off, ‘cause in the end we were nominated as the group with the best presentation pitch. It was really great, ‘cause we managed to at least make our mark somewhere :) I feel like a champion, even though it’s a very small win. If you want to call it a win at all, that is.

So yeah, that’s basically the highlights of the past two days. I’m really dead tired right now and my brain just refuses to do anymore work for today. I guess it’s been very well. And this week is set to be better, hopefully. Major lepak session on Thursday and hopefully Saturday as well. Plus, our photoshoot is on Friday is gonna be AMAZING.

And I finally feel like I’ve got a grip on things.

This feels awesome.

Goodnight.

Of Hot Boys and Deprivation.

2010-10-16T12:49:00.001+08:00

I was on tumblr like around 10 seconds ago when it hit me that I had been liking and reblogging quite a few photos of hot boys. Not pornography, just photos of really cute/hot/adorable/~~doable~~ boys. I wonder if it’s got anything to do with the mind games real boys have been playing on me.

The thing is it’s kinda stupid, ‘cause I’m not as deprived of eye candy now as much as I was a few months back. So why the sudden rush? Hmm. Either that, or because there is so much to gawk at, my mind goes berserk and starts to itch. You know, itch. And because there is no other solution, everytime the itch comes about, my mind sends me these urges to take note of photos of really cute/hot/adorable/~~doable~~ boys.

This must not go on for I am starting to sound like a sleaze bag :S.

What was the term to describe my current pining state again?

Ah, yes.

~~Blue-ballin’.~~

**Btw, our moment is overdue. Really.

Meeting an (old?) friend.

2010-10-15T00:06:00.001+08:00

It’s like nothing had changed between us. We haven’t been speaking regularly, we haven’t seen each other in friggin’ months. But during that 70minute phone call, it felt like we’d never been apart. Fuck lah. I miss Azelia.

I’m all emo now and I don’t know why. I miss the talks. I miss the laughs. I miss having someone who gets me. I miss talking about boys and comparing how shitty our situations are. I miss all the stupid profound statements we came up with that didn’t make sense to anyone but us (and sometimes, Sacha).

Its so stupid. Why am I tearing up? Its not like she’s a million miles away. Maybe I’m just rediscovering how much I looooove her…and her hair. We were so friggin’ close, once upon a time in that dark shoebox we called high school.

Fuck laaah. I miss Azelia :(

To fix what is broken.

2010-10-14T00:40:00.001+08:00

I think I will not get over this no matter how many times I cry about it, write about it, talk about it or try to forget about it. We learned about Master Statuses in sociology class today. I don’t want this to be my master status, but so much time has gone past and still it dictates the way I live. It is hidden in the recesses of my mind, the thoughts of the few who know about it and the things I do.

I shall not bring it into the open for the world to gawk at; ~~sympathy~~ is not what I am looking for. Neither shall I expose this deed to defame the person at fault, because ~~revenge~~ isn’t quite what I am looking for either. What do I want then, I ask myself again and again. Do I want an apology? Do I want justification? Do I want a shoulder to cry on? Do I want to forget?

Yes, perhaps I aim to forget. To put all this behind me. But that is all in due time, and as I have tried again and again to erase it from my memory, it creeps up time and time again only to remind me that my past cannot be outrun. So forgetting is a plan but alas, I doubt it is possible at this time in point when I am still questioning why I was put through such a thing.

Closure? Yes, closure would be nice. Maybe if I could understand why, it would out my mind at ease. The questions that often crop up with closure: Why me? Why then? The stupid part about this is then a little voice in my head replies: Why not?

And to that, I can’t think of an answer. Why not? There is nothing to say that I am immune to pain, so why not me? It does not help my case and so closure maybe isn’t the right thing for me, not just yet.

I don’t think there is a specific way to go about this issue. I wish there was a handbook, but the situation isn’t simple math. I want to live without this weight slowing me down and halting me from exploring. I am tired, so tired, of the flashbacks and guilty jabs. I wish I could forget, but if that won’t happen, at least let me learn to live knowing that this disability doesn’t own me.

I wish my safe place didn’t feel so far away. And I wish I could purge the knowledge of what was done from my stream of consciousness.

If only it was easy to pretend that this had never happened.

Hooked.

2010-10-12T11:25:00.001+08:00

Saying no is so friggin’ hard. Why? Because I’m sissy like that.

This semi self-imposed performing hiatus is killing me! I mean, I’ve become so used to the hectic lifestyle of rushing from home to college to KLPac, that now it feels very unnatural to be at home so much. And that is probably why my savings account has been steadily dwindling, because I go out and spend spend instead of staying at home and feeling miserable. But I made my dad a promise (ish) and I want to do theater for a long long time, so maybe it’s best to keep him happy first?

And if I’m looking on the bright side of this brief break, at least I have time to get myself more involved with college things. And I have more time to freak out with my girls. So that’s all good and one way to look at it.

But omg, I miss it so :( And last weekend’s Mukabuku didn’t count as a proper production since it was a rushed three days of refreshing and rediscovering.

Am I making sense? Hmm, I don’t think I am :s

Anyway, I think I should go get ready for college now. PR, don’t I love it!

Oh fuck. I haven’t sorted out my group’s campaign thingy completely yet. fuckiddy, fuck fuck.

The trumpets roar.

2010-10-11T04:58:00.001+08:00

I feel victorious. Take that assignment, POW POW!
Yeah, I’m too ninja for you now!

So, I can finally say that my theater break thingy has been an epic fail. But I promise myself I SHAN’T GET INVOLVED IN ANY ONSTAGE/BACKSTAGE WORK FOR THE REST OF THIS YEAR. I will still do front of house for Short and Sweet 2010 off and on, but that’s about it. No more ~~stage managing~~ and no more ~~performing~~ until January next year. PROMISE.

Yes, promises are meant to be broken and all that jazz, but no. Not this time. I am going to stick to this one.

REALLY!

Ok, so I’m seriously exhausted right now. Was out of the house by 11am. Left for Bump-in at The Actor’s Studio @ Lot 10. Performed at 7.30pm ish. Bumped out. Headed for yummy Chinese hawker food with the rest of the cast and crew of Mukabuku then got dropped home by Ivan slightly before midnight.

Then hopped straight into assignment mode and nailed Illustrator, Photoshop and InDesign to friggin’ kingdom come! I might still fail though ‘cause seriously, my end product is a real heap of phail. 8 pages worth of PHAIL. But it’s all good. At least I did it!…Right?

Gah, fuck this. I’m going to hit the hay. Proper post when I find time to breathe.

Oh, oh, oh and my teddy Mr Fuzzbucket might have a girlfriend soon. HEEEHEEE. Play date!

Oh, oh, oh and I guess all in all, 10/10/10 was good to me :)

Cath… – Death Cab For Cutie

2010-10-07T00:02:00.000+08:00

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

I’m so broken. haven't you all had your fun already? when will this all stop?

STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP PLEASE STOP.

I cannot take this anymore.

Soon everybody will ask what became of you;
Your heart was dying fast and you didn't know what to do.

This, I know, is inevitable.

Jokes aside.

2010-10-06T02:29:00.001+08:00

You see. You try to hold it in. Because everyone is having such a good time. You fake that voice, you fake those words and you swallow those hits as best as you can. They’re having a good time and despite you knowing its at your expense, you bear with it because you think they’ll have the decency to cut it off soon. And it’s not like you haven’t told them how insecure you are when it comes to these things.

You grit your teeth and you wait and they are still saying the same old things. You can only take so much for the fucking team before you realise you don’t want to be here and that the conversation just isn’t fun anymore. You wait for someone to back you up. No one does, so you suppress everything, thinking you’ll be able to keep it in and last the night.

Then you realise you cannot swallow those insults anymore and everything just tumbles out. You start getting mad. As soon as that first word of defiance hits the air, you just explode. Word after word. And after all that anger, you’re left with nothing but that feeling of helplessness you are oh so accustomed to.

Fuck it all. If you don’t start pulling away, you’d be a fool.

Perhaps this is payback.

Relapse: The Belinda Hon Story. *A note on Facebook!

2010-10-04T22:55:00.001+08:00

Based on her own (award-winning?) autobiographical anthology Life Unplugged, Relapse: The Belinda Hon Story traces the rise and fall (and rise again, and then fall one more time and then finally rise?) of one of the 21st-centuries most complex and enduring figures: Belinda Hon. From her early discovery by a Malaysian playwright laureate, to her rise to fame and her eventual struggle with emotional manic-ness and unrequited love, Relapse traces Hon’s life in all its glory, and how she, in equal parts thespian, writer, friend, lover, and mental case, overcame all odds to become one of the world’s most prominent leading ladies. It is a tale of life, love, laughter and the occasional bout of madness.

CRITIC’S SAY:“Winslet gives the performance of her career!” – Peter Travers, Rolling Stone“Brilliant… A truly vivid journey through a remarkable life…” – A. O. Scott, The New York Times “It is a window into the soul of one of this generations most fascinating figures, and we share in her happiness, her passion, her sadness and madness, and, when it is all over, we come out seeing the world anew. Miraculous.” – Robert Ebert, Chicago Sun Times

Directed by Clint Eastwood and produced by Martin Scorsese with a stellar cast.

STARRING:

Kate Winslet as Belinda Hon

Albert Finney as Joe Hasham

Vanessa Redgrave as Faridah Merican

Kevin Spacey as Christopher Ling

Jane Lynch as Nicole Ann Thomas

Eddie Izzard as Alex Chua

Philip Seymour Hoffman as Qahar Aqilah

Ethan Hawke as Mark Beau De Silva

Missy Eliot as Elvira Arul

Steve Buscemi as Robert "Lowbat" Halim

Nicole Kidman as Alexis Wong

Isla Fischer as Banun Atina

Kristin Chenoweth as Ashley Tan

Queen Latifah as Shobana Murugiah

Hilary Swank (during her Boys Don't Cry days) as Shane Capri

Ashton Kutcher as Ivan Chan

Seth Green as Calvin Tan

Bill Hader as Jit Yang

Rupert Grint as Gregory Sze

Rajnikanth as Dinesh Kunasekar

John Leguizamo as Rakesh Kumar

Michael Cera as Nabil Zakaria

Jack Black as Johann Oh

Mark Wahlberg as Yusuf Amin

AND

Christopher Walken as Vincent Lai as Christopher Walken!

Casting by Vincent Lai and Belinda Hon.

Special thanks to Vincent Lai for concept, synopsis and input.

‘Indie’ and ‘Bimbo’ but not quite ‘Emo’.

2010-10-04T00:53:00.001+08:00

I am happy. Very. I guess I’m enjoying the ride. It might be short lived in the end, ~~but fuck that.~~ I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it okay. I’m inching forward and though the pace is slow, the scenic route isn’t exactly a bad choice. I’m taking my time and adapting to these new circumstances fairly well. The past remains in the past and it’s turning out fine and dandy. I hope this string of good days and charming smiles continue!

Anyways, I spent another day with Ramin today. :)
I have to say, he’s cool, but I’m fuckin’ amazing! HAHAHAHA We went to what we thought was a photography exhibition but turned out to be more of a photo manipulation thingy. Either way, very cool! Went back to my place, printed out some of his AFS stuff, then brought him to eat his first Ramli burger for dinner. Lepak-ed right outside a 7eleven for about half an hour then got him a cab and I went home. Basically, pretty unextraordinary.

We didn’t do much and yet I am so fucking tired. I wanna just collapse and I wish I didn’t have class tomorrow. It’s got nothing to do with the subject or anything, I’m just reaaaaaaaaaaally friggin’ lazy for the 3pm class.

A good end to September, but a not-so great start to October.

2010-10-01T13:11:00.001+08:00

I’m currently very sick but at least its got nothing to do with my heart.

I had a really good day yesterday, despite already being slightly unwell. Went for class in the morning and it went well. Lecturer asked us to come up with a Durex Condom Awareness campaign. IT WAS SOOOOOO MUCH FUN! I now really hope they organise a Condom Party!

After that, chilled with the girls at Tappers for a bit before heading off to meet Ramin at KLCC. So happy he was punctual (the guys I go out with usually never are)! We had lunch at Nando’s and used up those coupons he won during the Crossings premiere. He paid for the drinks then we were off to watch Wall Street 2.

Wall Street 2, to me, was okay okay only. I understood the main plot and all that, but it frustrated me a teeny weeny bit that I didn’t understand the business lingo they were using. I think Carey Mulligan was stunning in that movie and I have a little girl crush on her now. So amaaazing.

We chilled at Starbucks after the movie till about 6.30pm then decided we’d better get on the train back to JayaOne for my college’s open mic session @ The Bee. To be quite honest, I was worried Ramin would feel out of place around my group of friends, because we’re all a little girly girly mental. HAHAHAHA I think having Shayne Especkerman at the table helped loosen him up a bit. Oh and I’ve deduced that Shayne is in LOOOOOOOVE with my boobs. HAHAHAHA

AND! I bumped into Syat @ The Bee too, so that was fun!

Ramin and I spent about an hour or so at the table with the rest, then Rathika told me to bring him around, so I did. We walked around JayaOne for a bit, sat down and talked. Got up, walked some more, then found somewhere new to chill and talk. We were just roaming around basically but it was nice.

Got back to the group, talked laugh, demonstrated ~~spanking~~ and yeah, a lot of things that should not be mentioned here. *clears throat*

We left about 10.30pm, got a cab to the train station. I broke my pinky fingernail (and it hurt like a fucking bitch) and because I can’t stand the sight of blood and I didn’t have any tissue on me, I had to just bear with it.

Anyway, nothing special happened or whatever. But it really was a very goodnight. As I was waiting for a cab to pick me up from the Sentul LRT, I couldn’t help thinking that today was perhaps one of my happier days of the year. Good company, what can I say!

Really.

PS:
I love Rathika, Kate and Fatima.

Really :)

September is coming to an end.

2010-09-29T01:45:00.001+08:00

I don’t want to go into October feeling like crap. So please let this be an un-emo post. redundant, profound, clumsy, whatever as long as it’s not EMO.

I need to be fix myself. I wonder sometimes (well, most of the time) if the people I confide in really do understand the things I go through. Like, a few days back, one of my close buddies mentioned that I don’t tell him things anymore. I thought that was complete bollocks at first; I mean, me and him talk on an almost daily basis. But he pointed out that while we still converse regularly, I keep certain things fairly hidden.

Recently, I’ve been reflecting quite a bit on what he said and I guess he’s right in a way. I might talk an awful lot and seem like an open book, but if I’m being quite honest with myself, I never let on to certain problems. And these are the real problems that I face every day which I’m either too proud or too timid to reveal. I know I need help, but how do I just come out and tell that to people? Like even now, I’m just beating around the bush. It’s scary, the idea of actually confessing to these things.

There are days when I feel I’m delaying the inevitable. I can already see how things are going to turn up and I want to somehow soften the blow for the people around me. I’m thinking, the less they know, the better. But at the same time, I know that playing this game will end up as a huge shock. Or maybe not. I think some people around me can probably sense my negativity already.

It’s sucky because there’s a part of me that believes I am beyond help and then there’s this other part that’s waiting for me to be saved. It’s a huge contradiction and it’s not helping my brains at all.

I love how I feign being an open book to make it seem like I have nothing to hide when there are actually decaying skeletons in my closet.

…

Great, yet another helpless emo post.